may / 

Cooler than a cucumber / Flipped the pillow though / But there’s no need / Hands shaking when you touch there / You keep going / Windows run with water drops / Eyes are the windows to the soul / It’s a sun shower / Might not have noticed / On the other side of those 4 limbs / Haven’t seen you for some time / Was only warming up.
///
He said I smelled like earth / He asked where I was from / He felt Atlanta or Harlem. 

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sabai dee

it’s strange because it doesn’t feel strange at all. although i couldn’t sleep and didn’t have much of an appetite the preceding days before my arrival, now that i’m back in bangkok, i feel a sense of serenity, excitement, and hunger. i told someone and she said she was jealous.

i hopped on the metro rail link from the airport. there were a few English speaking Thais who were kind enough to try to help me but i knew exactly where i was going. i appreciated this act of kindness because i know that it takes courage to assert yourself in a language that’s not native. i couldn’t help but smile. then, i transferred to the BTS, stood in sweat unbothered, and enjoyed my phone being dead so i could enjoy relying on my instincts for direction and take in my environment. i lugged my 27kg suitcase and backpacks to terminal 21, which is a mall that more than likely houses the BEST thai food court in the world. i went back to the vegetarian stall that i used to frequent and used my eyes to order food that i did indeed forget how to pronounce. i ate it all for the equivalent of $3. fresh vegetables, seasoned perfectly, without the hormones. i told someone and he said he was jealous.

i caught an uber from the mall and it was a seamless experience. i didn’t have to talk, he helped me with my luggage, and he spoke basic english. i even napped in the mazda. a solid 35 minute ride cost me less than $8. i told someone and he said he was jealous.

i arrived at a former student’s house out in the burbs. she’s old enough to be my mom and still calls me “teacher”, even though I haven’t taught her in almost a year. she was at work when my uber arrived. i was greeted by her housekeeper who helped me with my things and had a plate of refreshing watermelon ready for me to devour. i unwound myself and slept for hours, unbothered, to awake to the sounds of tropical birds and roosters. i told someone and she said she was jealous.

so i say all this to say that, it’s damn good to be back in thailand. i know what brought me back but i also, i know that no land is perfect. i can say that i know many people who are discontent and unfulfilled, questioning the motions that they’re going through. why not live like you deserve? why not seek the fulfillment that you’re craving? why not feed your health positively? why not try to create your heaven on earth? it’s more than just geography.

don’t be jealous. just live like you deserve.

mercury rising

all these fucking palm trees
you don’t belong here
cacti are more appropriate
it hurts but I love you anyway
you just want to bask in the sun
you get sick when it rains
can’t come out for days
it’s a blizzard somewhere
you’re spoiled
it’s hard to appreciate beauty
when it doesn’t feel real
make love while you can
bottle caps
night caps
texting in caps
domesticated cabs
dating apps
google maps
nothing here is within reach
especially not
the tops of these fake palm trees
show me how much you love me
before I
leave.

14/02/14

Valentine’s Day 2014, I was online, on the prowl, which has been a hobby of mine for years; it’s just only been recently that I began storytelling of my online pursuits. Living in Thailand, it was a hobby and a survival tactic. What other options did I have? I was a frequent browser on okcupid.com. I was looking for someone to temporarily fill the void. I was just looking for some external fun. I figured that I had seen all there was to be seen until I got a notification of a recent visitor to my profile whose photo thumbnail seemed to arouse my senses. I clicked the box to enlarge his profile, which I found to be mysteriously scarce but interesting enough for me to spare some energy. We chatted for hours. I was unsure of how attractive I would find him, but we vibed so well and didn’t want to waste anytime. The irony of our connection manifesting on Valentine’s Day. We physically met on the 15th. I remember riding that motorcycle taxi trying to realize his profile photos. I wouldn’t have been able to point him out of the crowd. All I knew was that he was Chinese, around my height, covered in tattoos, and had urban appeal, as well as a hopefully fading drug addiction. He knew I was vegetarian so he was down to go on an adventure to a vegan restaurant in an Ekkamai. I stood on the corner and tried to focus on indifference. I remembered one match question on okcupid “What makes you more nervous: job interviews or a promising first date?” Him and I both chose ‘first date’. I remember what I wore – chucks, jeans, an oversized knitted cardigan, and a white tank. I specifically went out to buy that tank the day of. For some reason, it seemed imperative. I never fucking wear white. Maybe I wanted to accentuate my breasts. I think that tank became gym wear after that night, then sleepwear, then a floor rag, and then trash.

He walked from the Ekkamai sky train exit and spotted me exactly. I saw him from across the street but had no idea that he was my date. He looked so…upbeat and also dressed in a lighter tones. I didn’t reeeeeally look at his face initially. we just said our greetings, made casual convo, and began our trek to find this hidden vegan gem. Later at dinner, I would be forced to stare into the eyes of the fucking hottest man I’ve ever let inside me.

Dinner was fun. We laughed at the faux meat and I learned how much of a true carnivore he was, just open minded. He learned that I was an old school Disney enthusiast and was secretly turned on by my recognition of the restaurants acoustic, instrumental version of Aladdins “A Whole New World.” We later geeked out to the Beauty and the Beast intro song. Bon-fucking-jour. We liked each other.

There was not a doubt in my mind that I wanted to get to know him more after dinner. I waste no time when I’m interested in something. He shared the same outlook. We caught a cab back to his place off Sukhumvit. It was clean, but masculine. I wanted to fuck him but it wasn’t a necessity. My birthday was in a few hours, so I was trying to be as cool as possible, as to not give the engagement too much significance. We got lifted and did everything physically possible but penetrate. He didn’t have any condoms. I definitely couldn’t give the evening THAT much significance.

We explored each other until my birthday arrived and afterwards. I sacrificed my sleep and left straight from his place, home to shower, then off to work. I felt intoxicated the whole day in my excitement knowing what walls would be knocked down later that evening. I couldn’t hide from the significance that my heart wanted to place our interactions. I came over my birthday a few hours after work and he prepared a bomb ass indian meal for me, which made me completely bail on the workplace plans that my coworkers arranged without my consent — Korean BBQ/karaoke. We fucked like rabbits on my 24th birthday to the entire Lana Del Rey “Born to Die” album. How appropriate.

It happened so fast. We got acquainted on Valentine’s Day. We met on Saturday, the 15th. We had sex on my birthday, Sunday the 16th. He deleted his okcupid account on Monday the 17th. We were a couple on Tuesday the 18th. We were having sleepovers that weekend. We broke up randomly in late March after he got distant and said it was because being with me made him feel to use cocaine again. I still don’t know exactly why, but I’ve theorized. Although we had so much in common and everything was seemingly perfect, I knew our relationship wasn’t long term when I entered it, but I agreed to enjoy the ride.

I’m saying this all to say that there’s different levels to love. Some love peaks fast and crashes. Some love builds over time. Some love is fleeting. Some love is elusive. Some love is friendly. Some love is romantic. That doesn’t mean that it wasn’t love if it wasn’t unconditional and eternal.

just enjoy love and live. don’t live in fear of the end result. im not afraid of heartbreak. I’m happy I’ve felt that and learned that lesson so I can enjoy and appreciate the people whom I fall in love with. It’s fun falling in and out of love. It has grown me and I think it makes the love I give more genuine because I’m not seeking any title in return. I’m not seeking a destination. just enjoying the journey and possible one day, I’ll meet a passenger who’ll share the journey with me and we’ll find a destination together.