i’m not being extra. 

had a beautiful cry 

like i had a blade dragged into me to remove a dormant cancer that was hidden & resting but in great magnitude. 

before this cry, i had a productive day.

i laughed and smiled.

i worked on new projects. 

i saw people who i admire.

i had endorphins flowing through my body.

i had a cry @6A after a bike ride home during a call home to my grandmother. 

it was like blockage was removed and resting pain that existed inside me exited in bulk, in the same vain of my living joy. 

i could see myself screaming as babies do when they become aware of the vast world – life replanting me from my comfort zone to one more visibly boundless.

my grandma laughed and said i’m perfect. 

i’m fine, thanks. 

who knows how to feel?

who knows how to deal?

who is made to kill?

i just reach higher.

permanent resident in the sky.

another motherfucker cannot

tell me how to be.

mother earth is dying.

there is no denying.

why am i not crying?

the spirit and quantum

makes me see higher 

than than my eyes.

i take things day to day.

pray with every breath.

prepare for a reality 

of this world with nothing left. 

i say this all with love.

are you fine?

i’m fine.

agnostic

I had a dream last night that I was in a church and the choir was singing some song that possessed me. It was beautifully hypnotic. All of a sudden, I see myself walking up to the front of the church and my conscious self is terrified watching this scene lucidly. It was surely a nightmare in action, seeing myself about to profess my desire for “salvation” by a “God” that only communicates with humans through “His Only Son”.

I tried being “Christian”. As much as I love some biblical scriptures and the story of Jesus, I realized that I felt more conflicted trying to identify as being “Christian” as I would HAVE to dismiss qualities about myself and always have to look at myself under a microscope, and allow the religion to eat away at my being like a parasite. Anyway, no offense to anyone who can manage to identify as being Christian or any religion for that matter. I just know that for me trying to be a devout Christian was an internal nightmare.

007

Sometimes I try not to think about you. Right now, I’m trying to think about you. I have met you a few times. I laughed at you when I was in high school, numb to the fact that I truly did want to get to know you. I thought I was ready to really learn everything about you when I was 19. I began to observe you, or what I thought was you. You loved illusions. I loved your game. I was so intrigued by you. I was so ready to look you in your eyes and explore you. I wanted to be consumed by you. You were everything to me, but how was this so when I still didn’t know you? I had barely scratched the surface. I thought I met you again when I moved overseas. I met someone who reminded me of you, but it was an allegory of you. I thought I saw you again in Los Angeles, twice actually. I’m still not sure if it was you. It resembled you so much. It had similar characteristics, got me high like you did, even treated me ways that you have before, sounded like you, listened like you did, but I can’t be sure as I haven’t really gotten to know you. I’m no longer going to look for you. I never really was looking. I would get a bit excited when I felt I was in your presence. I can’t help myself. You are so beautiful, so elusive, so fleeting, so flirtatious, so confusing, so challenging, so annoying, so ridiculous, or maybe it’s just because I don’t know you that well yet. I don’t even know if we have really met before. How can I be sure that it’s you next time? How can you stay longer so I can know you entirely? Sometimes I wonder if I even want to get to know you. Sometimes I think you might be a distraction for me. Sometimes I wonder if you’re really as good as you seem to be. Sometimes I wonder if you’re just an extension of my imagination. Sometimes I envision you and I see you everywhere. Sometimes that’s not enough.

Who knows how to make love stay?

alien

pretend i don’t exist now

imagine i’m not here

its as you do not know me

all memories’ disappeared

i just want to be gone now

i just want to feel numb 

this dimension’s too constricting 

why can’t i see the sun

i can go

and come back as someone else 

no remembrance of myself 

i can die and rebirth 

and i’ll no longer be from planet earth

// a song for her //

parental advisory

God told me that he loves me. 

He showed me mars within a man,

who was once venus as a boy

but did not cultivate his land.

God told me that he loves me. 

He let me see the darkest side.

For years, my light was dimmed

and I was jaded, now i’m alive.

God told me that she loves me.

She said nostaglia’s not becoming 

and that I should never relish in it

as aesthetics can be cunning.

God told me that she loves me. 

She said I shouldn’t see you

and that when I’m in your presence

I could get lost and then I’ll be you.