june 2017 ::
i came from your pussy –
first one to come from your pussy.
didn’t it hurt when i came from your pussy?
so helpless, all bloody and squishy
i was screaming and crying.
what a joy ー
you passed me off like a baby doll
and i am not a toy.
you once looked so happy though.
you see, what had happened,
you gave up so quick on ya girl
i’m not sure if you planned it.
i’m not tripping because
goddamn girl you so craaazy
and if i was around you more
i don’t think i’d be this lady.
maybe i’d be famished from no love from you.
overdosed on self control
went to rehab, detox complete
desire’s high, can not tame
an appetite that yearns to crave
outermost masks cool as ice
median enjoys the void
sweet escape in the space between
beyond it all lives the rawest nature
the inner core quakes and beams
when the trinity is magnetized
self control can not be, naturally
best to flow into eruption
best to exhale and release the steam
fermented feels turn insatiable
refuse to let desires rest
when the trinity is magnetized
fear exists in a held breath
expression births realities sought
naive believe fate’s the only god
rewards to self root in declaration
let desire be the cause
had a beautiful cry
like i had a blade dragged into me to remove a dormant cancer that was hidden & resting but in great magnitude.
before this cry, i had a productive day.
i laughed and smiled.
i worked on new projects.
i saw people who i admire.
i had endorphins flowing through my body.
i had a cry @6A after a bike ride home during a call home to my grandmother.
it was like blockage was removed and resting pain that existed inside me exited in bulk, in the same vain of my living joy.
i could see myself screaming as babies do when they become aware of the vast world – life replanting me from my comfort zone to one more visibly boundless.
my grandma laughed and said i’m perfect.
who knows how to feel?
who knows how to deal?
who is made to kill?
i just reach higher.
permanent resident in the sky.
another motherfucker cannot
tell me how to be.
mother earth is dying.
there is no denying.
why am i not crying?
the spirit and quantum
makes me see higher
than than my eyes.
i take things day to day.
pray with every breath.
prepare for a reality
of this world with nothing left.
i say this all with love.
are you fine?
I had a dream last night that I was in a church and the choir was singing some song that possessed me. It was beautifully hypnotic. All of a sudden, I see myself walking up to the front of the church and my conscious self is terrified watching this scene lucidly. It was surely a nightmare in action, seeing myself about to profess my desire for “salvation” by a “God” that only communicates with humans through “His Only Son”.
I tried being “Christian”. As much as I love some biblical scriptures and the story of Jesus, I realized that I felt more conflicted trying to identify as being “Christian” as I would HAVE to dismiss qualities about myself and always have to look at myself under a microscope, and allow the religion to eat away at my being like a parasite. Anyway, no offense to anyone who can manage to identify as being Christian or any religion for that matter. I just know that for me trying to be a devout Christian was an internal nightmare.
Stare into my eyes with yours and use your entity to share your secret. Reflect yourself unto me. Don’t turn away. Don’t be afraid of being afraid. You will feel discomfort. It will make you feel small. Thereafter, you will be reminded of how powerful you truly are.
Sometimes I try not to think about you. Right now, I’m trying to think about you. I have met you a few times. I laughed at you when I was in high school, numb to the fact that I truly did want to get to know you. I thought I was ready to really learn everything about you when I was 19. I began to observe you, or what I thought was you. You loved illusions. I loved your game. I was so intrigued by you. I was so ready to look you in your eyes and explore you. I wanted to be consumed by you. You were everything to me, but how was this so when I still didn’t know you? I had barely scratched the surface. I thought I met you again when I moved overseas. I met someone who reminded me of you, but it was an allegory of you. I thought I saw you again in Los Angeles, twice actually. I’m still not sure if it was you. It resembled you so much. It had similar characteristics, got me high like you did, even treated me ways that you have before, sounded like you, listened like you did, but I can’t be sure as I haven’t really gotten to know you. I’m no longer going to look for you. I never really was looking. I would get a bit excited when I felt I was in your presence. I can’t help myself. You are so beautiful, so elusive, so fleeting, so flirtatious, so confusing, so challenging, so annoying, so ridiculous, or maybe it’s just because I don’t know you that well yet. I don’t even know if we have really met before. How can I be sure that it’s you next time? How can you stay longer so I can know you entirely? Sometimes I wonder if I even want to get to know you. Sometimes I think you might be a distraction for me. Sometimes I wonder if you’re really as good as you seem to be. Sometimes I wonder if you’re just an extension of my imagination. Sometimes I envision you and I see you everywhere. Sometimes that’s not enough.
Who knows how to make love stay?