i’m not being extra. 

had a beautiful cry 

like i had a blade dragged into me to remove a dormant cancer that was hidden & resting but in great magnitude. 

before this cry, i had a productive day.

i laughed and smiled.

i worked on new projects. 

i saw people who i admire.

i had endorphins flowing through my body.

i had a cry @6A after a bike ride home during a call home to my grandmother. 

it was like blockage was removed and resting pain that existed inside me exited in bulk, in the same vain of my living joy. 

i could see myself screaming as babies do when they become aware of the vast world – life replanting me from my comfort zone to one more visibly boundless.

my grandma laughed and said i’m perfect. 

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salvation

I love hood politics. I love hood culture and hood theories. I’m so glad that I’m from Atlanta and that my adolescence was so heavily integrated in Rap/Hip-Hop culture which often spoke on concepts that derived from the hood. It taught me a lot. Hip-Hop/Rap can gives us lessons on hood etiquette and hood morale. These lessons often transcend the hood mentality and can really open your mind up to some deep sociological & psychological shit.

I remember when I was able to wrap my brain around the intricacies of the concept of “saving hoes”. I’m still waiting for women to claim this phrase and use it also for their sexual/romantic pursuits with the same level of arrogance that men do.

This idea of “saving hoes” is really some deep intellectual shit. Basically, men have been using this to say that they rescue women who are considerably sexually promiscuous from increasing their body count. Body count meaning the amount of men they have sexual interactions with. “To save a hoe” is when a man says to himself “ok, I’m going to step in and give this woman guidance because she is fucking around because she is lost and I’m going to give her the tender, love, & care (or the best dick she ever had) she needs so she can see herself as a queen”.

It’s really something that people of all genders, sexes, religions, ages, races, nationalities, ethnicities, and cultures do. So many of us think that our love or attention/affection can save someone else. Sometimes it can, but it doesn’t work because the giver wants it to. It works because the receiver has decided within themselves that they want and deserve love. They first must be ready, willing, and able to give love to themselves. They must grow sick and tired of their old habits and be excited about evolving and doing it on their own terms.

Sometimes the “giver” or the one who is presumably doing the “saving” also has a lack of self purpose where they can try to force feed this salvation onto their partner because they feel like they were ordained to do so. They feel like they have something that the other needs. This is also just as unhealthy as the person who allegedly needs “saving” trying to reprogram themselves because someone has entered their life trying to convince them that they should do things differently.

I’ve seen this happen so many times. It’s also something to learn from and shouldn’t be avoided if you’ve never been in it, I think. I think we all need to be in these situations to learn and grow from them. Although, in the midst of it, things can be stressful and painful. Just hopefully, you have the ability to realize that your discomfort is not something you have to accept and live with. Because yes, it will be very uncomfortable looking into the eyes of someone everyday who only finds their identity in you and you in them. That’s exactly what happens when you try to change someone to fill your void and you change for someone else to fill your void. You lose your sense of self.

Everybody is looking for something. I just know for a fact that you can’t find you in another person. You are only you. You can only be you. The moment we try to seek ourselves in other people the universe because a darker, colder place. You block your light and find refuge in someone else’s which also blocks their light.

You know what happens when too many devices take from the same energy source? The source won’t power as fully. The lights may flicker. The power may surge. This happens in humans. Our power can surge as well.

I have homies who are going through this now. They are hurting. They think this hurt will lead to some rewarding state of love in their relationship that is full of euphoria and peace. They are drained and confused, trying to find purpose in life through their relationships. They feel blocked. They revolve their lives and their thoughts around this partnership. They are seeking salvation through this pursuit of happiness in romance.

No judgement. I’ve been head over heels in it. I’ve seen it growing up. I’ve rapped along to stories of it. I’ve cracked jokes about it. I’ve advised friends against it. I’ve guided friends through it.

Growing up, I thought it was just something that happens with chicks who had “daddy issues” and guys that didn’t respect women. I thought those where the ones who were viewed as needed “saving” from bullshit relationships and seemingly worthless patterns. It’s not just something that happens as hood statistics though. We all find ourselves in toxic situations. Whether in love, work, business. We just have to learn how to make self-assured decisions for ourselves if we truly are unhappy in our current situations. We shouldn’t wait for someone else to come along, sing our praises, & make us feel worthy and empowered.

Maybe that’s the yin|yang to life though. Maybe I’m giving humans too much credit. Maybe the lack of self-love that so many of us have gives us purpose in our life journey. Essentially, maybe the desire to love ourselves more is the life force that keeps individuals seeking truth. Maybe that’s why we are all gathered here today by this thing called life.

Just remember when you’re crying over your lover or when you trying to sex the pain away, there’s not enough stroke in the vitamin D or enough power in the P that you’re serving that can save your bae from themselves.

scribbled paper

image

5 NOV 2015

open pages in a book,
blank but beckoning retrieve.
don’t plan anymore.
allow the universe to fall into your lap.
free yourself from the limitations of a plan.

////////////////////

i don’t know why i think these things
but i do, so don’t berate me.
there is no shame within my ways
and you hate that i’m not guilty.
my motivations live inside a place
that you think is empty.
yet, i’ve found solace in this space.
i wouldn’t want it any other way.

////////////////////

unstretched desire
burdening tension
formulating schematics.
evolving to mention
meaningful secrets.
pure integration
transforming to unity,
divine revelations,
innovation of passion,

/////////////////////

what if everything was a joke? would you be able to find it funny?

language is culture

be patient but never wait. being patient means that you don’t have the ability to get anxious. you are collected. you control your own perception of time. you control the presence of agitation. if you are waiting, you are only delaying yourself or being eagerly impatient.

i’m truly getting lived knowledge, which is transforming into wisdom, on the relevance of the difference of the two and what that vital discrepancy means //

one is fear and the other is love +++

178 days

Its been about 6 months since I’ve moved to Thailand. I think its imperative to reflect on all the pleasant surprises I’ve had so far. For and foremost, I’m living single & its soooo peaceful. Anyone whose been in my life while I was in my last relationship knows how hard I’ve fought to keep hope alive with my last lover. I crossed many state borders chasing a dream with him. I ignored my own pain to console him. Whether he knows or not, I was willing to sacrifice so much of who I am for him, or I was at least willing to try to. I still love and care about him very much but not at the expense of myself. Things are in a different perspective now. So, here I am almost a year later, enjoying me and my solitude. Maybe I’m a narcissist, but I enjoy my company more than anyone else’s. I can’t imagine sacrificing the awesomeness of who I am with all my perfect imperfections for someone else. The first few months here were tough. I was in limbo with myself and the future of the relationship. I suppose my love was blind to the fact that our romance was no longer probable. I thought that love could conquer all. Distance. Pain. Insecurities. Our love was lacking faith. No matter how hard I tried to mask that fact, the truth prevailed in the end. I’m at peace though. It didn’t take long for me to adjust — not in the sense of adjustment, like finding someone to fill the void. I simply filled it myself. I love myself more than he, or anyone else ever could.

And yess. I’m seriously an English teacher. They have to ask me to be excused for the toilet. No one woman should have all that power. In the beginning, I felt this was just a job to utilize so I can travel. It was something relatively easy that I could make into a career if I ever got old and my dreams got deferred. Now, I’m getting in to it. Of course, some of my students irritate me because they’re lazy, disengaged, and just want to play candy crush. They will say “take a photo with me, Teacher Bee” after class to post to their IG & FB accounts though. smh. On the other hand, I have some students who really appreciate the effort I put into teaching them. I just have to realize that they’re who I’m here for.

I’m really a vocalist/song writer in a band… borderline rockstar. That shhh crayyy. Everything is surreal, but this one gets more surreal after every gig. The momentum and support get turned up a notch and I’m like “WTF. We have fans? People are spending money to see us?” Well, I wouldn’t say they’re directly paying money to see US, but they know we’re performing sooo indirectly they are paying money to see us. Hahaha. We went through a dry spell last month. I was getting a bit bored and unsure of where we were headed. Now, we’re getting to understand more about how the creative process works between all of us. Things are coming about organically like they were when we first started and its fun again. We’re getting requested for more gigs, developing more of a sound, and I absolutely love to perform songs that I’ve written. Plus, I get to channel another persona. Its dope.

This one is random — I’ve created an online dating profile. This one actually surprises me the most actually. Although I’m outgoing and spontaneous, I’m not into social media in the slightest. If a few of my close friends from back home weren’t into it, I probably would’ve never thought to join. I can say that online dating has been an interesting experience. I shouldn’t say “dating” though. Its just a tool to meet people in the area. Male or female. I’m not really looking for anything, but I’m not hiding from anything either. Originally I was being racist. Haha. I was using it to search for other brown skinned people. Particularly African Americans. The few that I met up with were wackklesauce. Despite the country of origin and skin complexion, we had hardly anything in common. I’ve met people of different ethnicites who I have more in common with than people of my own race. I’ve realized that culture isn’t confined to race. They’re completely separate. My grandma’s all giddy of course, because she’s high on the possibility of having mixed Asian great-grandchildren. Chill, Grams 🙂

I’ll be 24 next month and I’ll probably fulfill a dream of mine by spending my birthday on a beach or waterfall somewhere. Life is good.

goddess

goddess

I wonder if a new cluster of temples was to be constructed, who would be the “gods” and “goddess” that society would deem as deserving worship?

I’m willing to bet that the American people would have a wall in a temple dedicating praise to Beyonce’, Jay-Z and baby Blue… imagine that.

I’m not opposed to a wall dedicating to a history lesson on the Mike’s though: Jackson, Jordan, and Tyson… ha, that’d be kinda dope actually.