i’m fine, thanks. 

who knows how to feel?

who knows how to deal?

who is made to kill?

i just reach higher.

permanent resident in the sky.

another motherfucker cannot

tell me how to be.

mother earth is dying.

there is no denying.

why am i not crying?

the spirit and quantum

makes me see higher 

than than my eyes.

i take things day to day.

pray with every breath.

prepare for a reality 

of this world with nothing left. 

i say this all with love.

are you fine?

i’m fine.

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EXPERIENCE

He said he would be her diary
They were never friends
It was always complicated
She didn’t want to see it
He was always bitter
He knew he couldn’t keep her
He was jealous of the world
For that’s who she belonged to
He couldn’t match the stimulus
He couldn’t compete
He tried to make her despise it
He tried to confine her desires
He tried to end her curiosity
He tried to be her everything
He tried to be her home
He tried to be her world
He couldn’t fight the truth
She outgrew the home he made
He said he loved her
He said he wasn’t bitter
He said he was her friend
She wrote him everyday
He never replied
The pain of sharing her was heavy
He wanted her to fill his void
She wanted to show him love
She wanted to show him light
She wrote to him everyday
She wrote for him everyday
She wanted to share her world
She wanted him to be her friend
He never was her friend
He never knew how to love her
He only knew how to use her
She didn’t mind being used
She had so much to give
He didn’t want it on her terms
He didn’t want to wait
He didn’t want to love her
He only wanted to consume
She doesn’t write to him anymore
She doesn’t write for him anymore
She writes for herself
She writes for her world

007

Sometimes I try not to think about you. Right now, I’m trying to think about you. I have met you a few times. I laughed at you when I was in high school, numb to the fact that I truly did want to get to know you. I thought I was ready to really learn everything about you when I was 19. I began to observe you, or what I thought was you. You loved illusions. I loved your game. I was so intrigued by you. I was so ready to look you in your eyes and explore you. I wanted to be consumed by you. You were everything to me, but how was this so when I still didn’t know you? I had barely scratched the surface. I thought I met you again when I moved overseas. I met someone who reminded me of you, but it was an allegory of you. I thought I saw you again in Los Angeles, twice actually. I’m still not sure if it was you. It resembled you so much. It had similar characteristics, got me high like you did, even treated me ways that you have before, sounded like you, listened like you did, but I can’t be sure as I haven’t really gotten to know you. I’m no longer going to look for you. I never really was looking. I would get a bit excited when I felt I was in your presence. I can’t help myself. You are so beautiful, so elusive, so fleeting, so flirtatious, so confusing, so challenging, so annoying, so ridiculous, or maybe it’s just because I don’t know you that well yet. I don’t even know if we have really met before. How can I be sure that it’s you next time? How can you stay longer so I can know you entirely? Sometimes I wonder if I even want to get to know you. Sometimes I think you might be a distraction for me. Sometimes I wonder if you’re really as good as you seem to be. Sometimes I wonder if you’re just an extension of my imagination. Sometimes I envision you and I see you everywhere. Sometimes that’s not enough.

Who knows how to make love stay?

image

my cousin got married last weekend.
i was maid of honor.
days before the wedding,
i became reluctant and cynical,
towards the occasion and my role.
i knew these feelings were fickle.
i knew better than my feelings.
the day arrived.
it was special.
my defense mechanisms were in tact,
until she walked down the aisle.
my cousin stood at the top of the staircase
with her father and brother on each side.
my cousin walked down the aisle
and faced her groom.
my cousin prepared to read her vows
and i felt overwhelmed.
my eyes watered uncontrollably
as new feelings revealed.
i was elated for her but something lingered.

welcome to heartbreak.

parental advisory

God told me that he loves me. 

He showed me mars within a man,

who was once venus as a boy

but did not cultivate his land.

God told me that he loves me. 

He let me see the darkest side.

For years, my light was dimmed

and I was jaded, now i’m alive.

God told me that she loves me.

She said nostaglia’s not becoming 

and that I should never relish in it

as aesthetics can be cunning.

God told me that she loves me. 

She said I shouldn’t see you

and that when I’m in your presence

I could get lost and then I’ll be you.

mind games 

I’m still learning how to time travel gracefully. sometimes I’m able to do it with finesse — addressing things that happened in the past with clarity, live in the moment and appreciate what is, focus on the future and declare what is becoming. 

then, randomly, something will happen and me being human, I fall victim to anxiety and doubt; although it’s temporary, it happens. even in these moments, I know this troublesome feeling is fleeting, but I still force myself to experience it. I have crude thoughts and even laugh about them in the midst. I kind of find of sick pleasure in exploring the worst case scenario and entertaining the slippery slope. my mind is powerful enough to take the trip and find it strangely entertaining. I cry and laugh about it in a cynical therapy that somehow uplifts me into realizing how fucking hilarious feelings are. that doesn’t make them invalid or irrelevant. they’re just reminders. what they remind you of is dependent upon your mind. 

luckily, my mind uses feelings in an analytical way to be reminded what my weaknesses are and what I’m most passionate about, in order to grow. my moments of darkness don’t frighten me. I live in them for the moment to experience and be reminded that I’m brave, fearless, and can conquer & dominate at will. 

pacific ocean

sit in silence
it’s okay
remind yourself
it’s okay
you’re feeling now
it’s okay
you’re sad now
it’s okay
you’re crying now
it’s okay
you’re lonely now
it’s okay
you’re angry now
it’s okay
you’re hurting now
it’s okay
you’re bleeding now
it’s okay
you’re numb again
it’s okay