google translate 

didn’t speak english

had a french tongue

tongue met clit

body went numb

//

curled the neck

closed the eyes

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y

 

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EXPERIENCE

He said he would be her diary
They were never friends
It was always complicated
She didn’t want to see it
He was always bitter
He knew he couldn’t keep her
He was jealous of the world
For that’s who she belonged to
He couldn’t match the stimulus
He couldn’t compete
He tried to make her despise it
He tried to confine her desires
He tried to end her curiosity
He tried to be her everything
He tried to be her home
He tried to be her world
He couldn’t fight the truth
She outgrew the home he made
He said he loved her
He said he wasn’t bitter
He said he was her friend
She wrote him everyday
He never replied
The pain of sharing her was heavy
He wanted her to fill his void
She wanted to show him love
She wanted to show him light
She wrote to him everyday
She wrote for him everyday
She wanted to share her world
She wanted him to be her friend
He never was her friend
He never knew how to love her
He only knew how to use her
She didn’t mind being used
She had so much to give
He didn’t want it on her terms
He didn’t want to wait
He didn’t want to love her
He only wanted to consume
She doesn’t write to him anymore
She doesn’t write for him anymore
She writes for herself
She writes for her world

defensive vulnerability 

numbness exists for sustainability and growth to thrive. the ability to dive deep without sinking has become an adaptable skill that is used quite frequently nowadays. the need to feel is usually relevant within reason. depths are reached and highs are peaked. at each extreme, the apex & abyss, the absence of air allows for a liberating gravitational effect. floatation is all that happens. everything is meditative. hence the presence of numbness. subconsciousness is bliss. elusive soulmates are here then gone. feelings are remembered through tangible sentiments and photographs. lust escapes as masturbation. interactions relived through daydreams and nightmares. heartbreaks are faint and normalized, therefore seemingly extinct. yet, all is retained despite detachment. filtered through the heart and stored in the mind. 

mercury rising

all these fucking palm trees
you don’t belong here
cacti are more appropriate
it hurts but I love you anyway
you just want to bask in the sun
you get sick when it rains
can’t come out for days
it’s a blizzard somewhere
you’re spoiled
it’s hard to appreciate beauty
when it doesn’t feel real
make love while you can
bottle caps
night caps
texting in caps
domesticated cabs
dating apps
google maps
nothing here is within reach
especially not
the tops of these fake palm trees
show me how much you love me
before I
leave.

14/02/14

Valentine’s Day 2014, I was online, on the prowl, which has been a hobby of mine for years; it’s just only been recently that I began storytelling of my online pursuits. Living in Thailand, it was a hobby and a survival tactic. What other options did I have? I was a frequent browser on okcupid.com. I was looking for someone to temporarily fill the void. I was just looking for some external fun. I figured that I had seen all there was to be seen until I got a notification of a recent visitor to my profile whose photo thumbnail seemed to arouse my senses. I clicked the box to enlarge his profile, which I found to be mysteriously scarce but interesting enough for me to spare some energy. We chatted for hours. I was unsure of how attractive I would find him, but we vibed so well and didn’t want to waste anytime. The irony of our connection manifesting on Valentine’s Day. We physically met on the 15th. I remember riding that motorcycle taxi trying to realize his profile photos. I wouldn’t have been able to point him out of the crowd. All I knew was that he was Chinese, around my height, covered in tattoos, and had urban appeal, as well as a hopefully fading drug addiction. He knew I was vegetarian so he was down to go on an adventure to a vegan restaurant in an Ekkamai. I stood on the corner and tried to focus on indifference. I remembered one match question on okcupid “What makes you more nervous: job interviews or a promising first date?” Him and I both chose ‘first date’. I remember what I wore – chucks, jeans, an oversized knitted cardigan, and a white tank. I specifically went out to buy that tank the day of. For some reason, it seemed imperative. I never fucking wear white. Maybe I wanted to accentuate my breasts. I think that tank became gym wear after that night, then sleepwear, then a floor rag, and then trash.

He walked from the Ekkamai sky train exit and spotted me exactly. I saw him from across the street but had no idea that he was my date. He looked so…upbeat and also dressed in a lighter tones. I didn’t reeeeeally look at his face initially. we just said our greetings, made casual convo, and began our trek to find this hidden vegan gem. Later at dinner, I would be forced to stare into the eyes of the fucking hottest man I’ve ever let inside me.

Dinner was fun. We laughed at the faux meat and I learned how much of a true carnivore he was, just open minded. He learned that I was an old school Disney enthusiast and was secretly turned on by my recognition of the restaurants acoustic, instrumental version of Aladdins “A Whole New World.” We later geeked out to the Beauty and the Beast intro song. Bon-fucking-jour. We liked each other.

There was not a doubt in my mind that I wanted to get to know him more after dinner. I waste no time when I’m interested in something. He shared the same outlook. We caught a cab back to his place off Sukhumvit. It was clean, but masculine. I wanted to fuck him but it wasn’t a necessity. My birthday was in a few hours, so I was trying to be as cool as possible, as to not give the engagement too much significance. We got lifted and did everything physically possible but penetrate. He didn’t have any condoms. I definitely couldn’t give the evening THAT much significance.

We explored each other until my birthday arrived and afterwards. I sacrificed my sleep and left straight from his place, home to shower, then off to work. I felt intoxicated the whole day in my excitement knowing what walls would be knocked down later that evening. I couldn’t hide from the significance that my heart wanted to place our interactions. I came over my birthday a few hours after work and he prepared a bomb ass indian meal for me, which made me completely bail on the workplace plans that my coworkers arranged without my consent — Korean BBQ/karaoke. We fucked like rabbits on my 24th birthday to the entire Lana Del Rey “Born to Die” album. How appropriate.

It happened so fast. We got acquainted on Valentine’s Day. We met on Saturday, the 15th. We had sex on my birthday, Sunday the 16th. He deleted his okcupid account on Monday the 17th. We were a couple on Tuesday the 18th. We were having sleepovers that weekend. We broke up randomly in late March after he got distant and said it was because being with me made him feel to use cocaine again. I still don’t know exactly why, but I’ve theorized. Although we had so much in common and everything was seemingly perfect, I knew our relationship wasn’t long term when I entered it, but I agreed to enjoy the ride.

I’m saying this all to say that there’s different levels to love. Some love peaks fast and crashes. Some love builds over time. Some love is fleeting. Some love is elusive. Some love is friendly. Some love is romantic. That doesn’t mean that it wasn’t love if it wasn’t unconditional and eternal.

just enjoy love and live. don’t live in fear of the end result. im not afraid of heartbreak. I’m happy I’ve felt that and learned that lesson so I can enjoy and appreciate the people whom I fall in love with. It’s fun falling in and out of love. It has grown me and I think it makes the love I give more genuine because I’m not seeking any title in return. I’m not seeking a destination. just enjoying the journey and possible one day, I’ll meet a passenger who’ll share the journey with me and we’ll find a destination together.