may / 

Cooler than a cucumber / Flipped the pillow though / But there’s no need / Hands shaking when you touch there / You keep going / Windows run with water drops / Eyes are the windows to the soul / It’s a sun shower / Might not have noticed / On the other side of those 4 limbs / Haven’t seen you for some time / Was only warming up.
///
He said I smelled like earth / He asked where I was from / He felt Atlanta or Harlem. 

You’re busy complaining about HER/HIM. Have you asked yourself “Am I a fuckboi/gurl?”

Common FUCKBOI/GURL traits include:

1. THIRST
2. KEEPING IT ANYTHING LESS THAN 100
3. KNOWING YOU AINT SHIT BUT MAKING EXCUSES TO PACIFY YOUR LACK OF GROWTH
4. FETISHIZING WHEN YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THERE IS NO COMPATIBILITY BUT FORCING A CONNECTION WHEN YOU KNOW ITS NOT ON SOME REAL SHIT & LATER BEING BITTER WHEN EXPECTATIONS ARE NOT MET
5. LEAVING MESSAGES ON READ WHEN YOU HAD PLANS TO MEET UP
6. LEAVING MESSAGES ON READ WHEN YOU HAD PLANS TO MEET UP & THEN TRYING TO MAKE THAT UP WITH SOME D OR P (sex in this case is beyond basic as fuck and glorification of sex in this case is a reflection of your mentality)
7. ALLOWING SOMEONE TO MAKE YOU FEEL LOW AND STILL RUNNING BACK TO THEM REPEATEDLY (being weak also makes YOU a fuckboi/gurl – that victim mentality doesn’t change shit)
8. THINKING THAT BECAUSE SOMEONE DOES BASIC SHIT FOR YOU THAT THEY ARE SPECIAL (again, low self worth doesn’t make you exempt from being involved in the fuckery)
9. USING THE BASIC SHIT THAT SOMEONE DOES FOR YOU AS A JUSTIFICATION FOR YOUR FEELINGS (see trait 1 – this is also thirst)
10. FEEDING YOUR OWN MANIPULATION (for example when you know someone is running game and you act like you don’t know what’s up and then later blame them for trying you)

I say all this with love, so don’t feel offended if you identify with any of these – just don’t complain to me either because I might not have the energy to hear about your sub par love life when we both know that you’re not out here levitating on the fuckery. This is no shade – this is about self responsibility, self awareness, self improvement, and accountability. We gotta do better and stop claiming victim & pointing fingers. Let us all enter Super Saiyan Savage mode.

i noticed that

his hair is tough like my fathers. in all of my 26 years, he’s only been around for less than 2 percent of it all and somehow, the care, patience, and understanding he has shown me has far surpassed what i’ve received from my father during my entire lifetime.

i noticed that she reminds me of my grandmother. the way she plans ahead without announcing her doings. she walks cautiously. she speaks carefully. the things she doesn’t know she asks about with appreciation and passion, unafraid of revealing her unfamiliarity and eager to gain more knowledge.

friendships are flowers — in order to appreciate a full bloom, we must be present for all the moments in between.

salvation

I love hood politics. I love hood culture and hood theories. I’m so glad that I’m from Atlanta and that my adolescence was so heavily integrated in Rap/Hip-Hop culture which often spoke on concepts that derived from the hood. It taught me a lot. Hip-Hop/Rap can gives us lessons on hood etiquette and hood morale. These lessons often transcend the hood mentality and can really open your mind up to some deep sociological & psychological shit.

I remember when I was able to wrap my brain around the intricacies of the concept of “saving hoes”. I’m still waiting for women to claim this phrase and use it also for their sexual/romantic pursuits with the same level of arrogance that men do.

This idea of “saving hoes” is really some deep intellectual shit. Basically, men have been using this to say that they rescue women who are considerably sexually promiscuous from increasing their body count. Body count meaning the amount of men they have sexual interactions with. “To save a hoe” is when a man says to himself “ok, I’m going to step in and give this woman guidance because she is fucking around because she is lost and I’m going to give her the tender, love, & care (or the best dick she ever had) she needs so she can see herself as a queen”.

It’s really something that people of all genders, sexes, religions, ages, races, nationalities, ethnicities, and cultures do. So many of us think that our love or attention/affection can save someone else. Sometimes it can, but it doesn’t work because the giver wants it to. It works because the receiver has decided within themselves that they want and deserve love. They first must be ready, willing, and able to give love to themselves. They must grow sick and tired of their old habits and be excited about evolving and doing it on their own terms.

Sometimes the “giver” or the one who is presumably doing the “saving” also has a lack of self purpose where they can try to force feed this salvation onto their partner because they feel like they were ordained to do so. They feel like they have something that the other needs. This is also just as unhealthy as the person who allegedly needs “saving” trying to reprogram themselves because someone has entered their life trying to convince them that they should do things differently.

I’ve seen this happen so many times. It’s also something to learn from and shouldn’t be avoided if you’ve never been in it, I think. I think we all need to be in these situations to learn and grow from them. Although, in the midst of it, things can be stressful and painful. Just hopefully, you have the ability to realize that your discomfort is not something you have to accept and live with. Because yes, it will be very uncomfortable looking into the eyes of someone everyday who only finds their identity in you and you in them. That’s exactly what happens when you try to change someone to fill your void and you change for someone else to fill your void. You lose your sense of self.

Everybody is looking for something. I just know for a fact that you can’t find you in another person. You are only you. You can only be you. The moment we try to seek ourselves in other people the universe because a darker, colder place. You block your light and find refuge in someone else’s which also blocks their light.

You know what happens when too many devices take from the same energy source? The source won’t power as fully. The lights may flicker. The power may surge. This happens in humans. Our power can surge as well.

I have homies who are going through this now. They are hurting. They think this hurt will lead to some rewarding state of love in their relationship that is full of euphoria and peace. They are drained and confused, trying to find purpose in life through their relationships. They feel blocked. They revolve their lives and their thoughts around this partnership. They are seeking salvation through this pursuit of happiness in romance.

No judgement. I’ve been head over heels in it. I’ve seen it growing up. I’ve rapped along to stories of it. I’ve cracked jokes about it. I’ve advised friends against it. I’ve guided friends through it.

Growing up, I thought it was just something that happens with chicks who had “daddy issues” and guys that didn’t respect women. I thought those where the ones who were viewed as needed “saving” from bullshit relationships and seemingly worthless patterns. It’s not just something that happens as hood statistics though. We all find ourselves in toxic situations. Whether in love, work, business. We just have to learn how to make self-assured decisions for ourselves if we truly are unhappy in our current situations. We shouldn’t wait for someone else to come along, sing our praises, & make us feel worthy and empowered.

Maybe that’s the yin|yang to life though. Maybe I’m giving humans too much credit. Maybe the lack of self-love that so many of us have gives us purpose in our life journey. Essentially, maybe the desire to love ourselves more is the life force that keeps individuals seeking truth. Maybe that’s why we are all gathered here today by this thing called life.

Just remember when you’re crying over your lover or when you trying to sex the pain away, there’s not enough stroke in the vitamin D or enough power in the P that you’re serving that can save your bae from themselves.

self control

i used to be such a hard lover — to hell and back; what would jesus do, self sacrificial kind of foolishness. the way i loved, i could’ve joined ISIS. i was extreme. i was selfless. i was so removed from my own pain that it was like i had no feelings of my own. i was consumed with moving mountains for another. i wonder what that hard love will translate to in the future. i wonder how my ability to love has transformed to continue to be unconditional, without the self-destruction.

007

Sometimes I try not to think about you. Right now, I’m trying to think about you. I have met you a few times. I laughed at you when I was in high school, numb to the fact that I truly did want to get to know you. I thought I was ready to really learn everything about you when I was 19. I began to observe you, or what I thought was you. You loved illusions. I loved your game. I was so intrigued by you. I was so ready to look you in your eyes and explore you. I wanted to be consumed by you. You were everything to me, but how was this so when I still didn’t know you? I had barely scratched the surface. I thought I met you again when I moved overseas. I met someone who reminded me of you, but it was an allegory of you. I thought I saw you again in Los Angeles, twice actually. I’m still not sure if it was you. It resembled you so much. It had similar characteristics, got me high like you did, even treated me ways that you have before, sounded like you, listened like you did, but I can’t be sure as I haven’t really gotten to know you. I’m no longer going to look for you. I never really was looking. I would get a bit excited when I felt I was in your presence. I can’t help myself. You are so beautiful, so elusive, so fleeting, so flirtatious, so confusing, so challenging, so annoying, so ridiculous, or maybe it’s just because I don’t know you that well yet. I don’t even know if we have really met before. How can I be sure that it’s you next time? How can you stay longer so I can know you entirely? Sometimes I wonder if I even want to get to know you. Sometimes I think you might be a distraction for me. Sometimes I wonder if you’re really as good as you seem to be. Sometimes I wonder if you’re just an extension of my imagination. Sometimes I envision you and I see you everywhere. Sometimes that’s not enough.

Who knows how to make love stay?

new year rambling

i haven’t been here in a while. i’ve been preoccupied, but always writing, just maybe not always in a place where everyone can see. i’ve been in the states for a little over a week now — first time in 16 months. i miss bangkok but not too much. los angeles will prove to be just as magical, just in a different way. i’m trying not to get too anxious. the american ideals. the rat race. the cost of living. the high racial tension. the judgement. the societal norms that i haven’t acknowledged in over a year. i’m trying to stay true to who i am and just enjoy the ride. i’m trying to adjust myself in a way that is practical and progressive. i want my experiences to count for more than just experiences. in bangkok, i could just be. there wasn’t anything really expected of me. i set my own rules. i was a foreigner. of course, i respected the thai culture but i was free to be me. i think because there was nothing expected of me, that i got lost a bit. my mind was so open. i didn’t uphold the same standards i previously upheld. i wasn’t sure if those standards were even mine or something that i was conditioned to value. traveling opens your mind. you just get lost in your environment. i enjoyed that. now, i’m back in my considered homeland and i’m comparing myself again. i got jealous the other day. i never get jealous. being around people who have businesses, being around people who can afford to pay $20 for an irish coffee, being around people who are more globally connected than I am, being around people who have something tangible to show for their experiences and conquests. i want that.

in thailand, i lived a comfortable life. i had enough to get my nails done every 2 weeks, my hair cut every week, go shopping every friday, support my musical interests, pay my student loans, eat out as often as i pleased, and put away a little bit. i didn’t make enough, however, to travel overseas. i didn’t make enough to really build. i want to build and make investments. i want to create more and not just have my ideas be daydreams and blueprints written in a notebook that get buried as the pages turn.

i want to feel like i’m doing something, not like i did something.

maybe i should stick around in one place for a while. maybe i should find a home to create a garden. in this garden, i plant my seeds. i water these seeds. i provide nutrients for these seeds. i watch them grow. i can then share the fruits of my labor. i can share this garden with others versus sprinkling seeds and letting them sprout but vacating the lot before i can produce a true harvest. i need to be more diligent. i need to produce a solid crop. i need to feel more substantially validated. i’m vain. i’ll admit that. not in the way that i need buy that $20 cocktail. honestly, i’d prefer a med card so i can purchase sativa. i just want to build on my ideas vigorously. i want tangible success. not just a book of experiences and photos. being back in the states has given me that sense of entrepreneurship. i was anti-america for mostly all of my life. the capitalism. the divide. the unjust financial pressure. the brainwashing. after living overseas, i see that every society has those imposed values that some people blindly embrace, while some find their own way and make of their society what they please. brainwashing is everywhere. there is no designated heaven. heaven is wherever you choose it to be. its time to build my heaven and not think that there’s an ideal place to create it.

heaven is a journey, not a destination. i don’t know if i’ll ever be completely satisfied, but honestly i can’t complain. traveling has shown me that. all these goals and desires that i have must be analyzed through different contexts — idealistic and realistic. the reality of it is that my life is beautiful and i’ve done a lot of cool shit. realistically, more cool shit will happen. ideally, i know exactly what i want it to be. realistically, i can only control so much of that. ideally, i think my goals are realistic. haha

i’m going tangent for tangent now. thinking about my relationship views prior to arriving in LA. i was just dating, not too much of a standard. ideally, i know what i like. realistically, i wasn’t going to find that in bangkok. now that i’m in LA, i have to slow down some. in bangkok, i told myself that i was the girl who didn’t want to get married. i convinced myself that was an illogically concept. yet again, american soil is altering my perceptions. i want something serious, in all areas of my life. i want stability. i want to feel connected and rooted. i can do that without expectations. i can do that and deal with the results if they’re not ideal. i just want to put forth more effort in life; exert more energy towards creating a world that reflects my dreams.

yea, thats it. thats heaven. the process of creating a world that reflects my dreams.