i haven’t been here in a while. i’ve been preoccupied, but always writing, just maybe not always in a place where everyone can see. i’ve been in the states for a little over a week now — first time in 16 months. i miss bangkok but not too much. los angeles will prove to be just as magical, just in a different way. i’m trying not to get too anxious. the american ideals. the rat race. the cost of living. the high racial tension. the judgement. the societal norms that i haven’t acknowledged in over a year. i’m trying to stay true to who i am and just enjoy the ride. i’m trying to adjust myself in a way that is practical and progressive. i want my experiences to count for more than just experiences. in bangkok, i could just be. there wasn’t anything really expected of me. i set my own rules. i was a foreigner. of course, i respected the thai culture but i was free to be me. i think because there was nothing expected of me, that i got lost a bit. my mind was so open. i didn’t uphold the same standards i previously upheld. i wasn’t sure if those standards were even mine or something that i was conditioned to value. traveling opens your mind. you just get lost in your environment. i enjoyed that. now, i’m back in my considered homeland and i’m comparing myself again. i got jealous the other day. i never get jealous. being around people who have businesses, being around people who can afford to pay $20 for an irish coffee, being around people who are more globally connected than I am, being around people who have something tangible to show for their experiences and conquests. i want that.
in thailand, i lived a comfortable life. i had enough to get my nails done every 2 weeks, my hair cut every week, go shopping every friday, support my musical interests, pay my student loans, eat out as often as i pleased, and put away a little bit. i didn’t make enough, however, to travel overseas. i didn’t make enough to really build. i want to build and make investments. i want to create more and not just have my ideas be daydreams and blueprints written in a notebook that get buried as the pages turn.
i want to feel like i’m doing something, not like i did something.
maybe i should stick around in one place for a while. maybe i should find a home to create a garden. in this garden, i plant my seeds. i water these seeds. i provide nutrients for these seeds. i watch them grow. i can then share the fruits of my labor. i can share this garden with others versus sprinkling seeds and letting them sprout but vacating the lot before i can produce a true harvest. i need to be more diligent. i need to produce a solid crop. i need to feel more substantially validated. i’m vain. i’ll admit that. not in the way that i need buy that $20 cocktail. honestly, i’d prefer a med card so i can purchase sativa. i just want to build on my ideas vigorously. i want tangible success. not just a book of experiences and photos. being back in the states has given me that sense of entrepreneurship. i was anti-america for mostly all of my life. the capitalism. the divide. the unjust financial pressure. the brainwashing. after living overseas, i see that every society has those imposed values that some people blindly embrace, while some find their own way and make of their society what they please. brainwashing is everywhere. there is no designated heaven. heaven is wherever you choose it to be. its time to build my heaven and not think that there’s an ideal place to create it.
heaven is a journey, not a destination. i don’t know if i’ll ever be completely satisfied, but honestly i can’t complain. traveling has shown me that. all these goals and desires that i have must be analyzed through different contexts — idealistic and realistic. the reality of it is that my life is beautiful and i’ve done a lot of cool shit. realistically, more cool shit will happen. ideally, i know exactly what i want it to be. realistically, i can only control so much of that. ideally, i think my goals are realistic. haha
i’m going tangent for tangent now. thinking about my relationship views prior to arriving in LA. i was just dating, not too much of a standard. ideally, i know what i like. realistically, i wasn’t going to find that in bangkok. now that i’m in LA, i have to slow down some. in bangkok, i told myself that i was the girl who didn’t want to get married. i convinced myself that was an illogically concept. yet again, american soil is altering my perceptions. i want something serious, in all areas of my life. i want stability. i want to feel connected and rooted. i can do that without expectations. i can do that and deal with the results if they’re not ideal. i just want to put forth more effort in life; exert more energy towards creating a world that reflects my dreams.
yea, thats it. thats heaven. the process of creating a world that reflects my dreams.