me too 

it was 2008. i was a college freshman and he wanted a part of me that he had entered before. he was my high school boyfriend but it was done – just wanted to be homies. i refused to share my body with him again and he felt that fighting me would make me submit. we fought. i screamed and chased him with a knife out of my apartment. he recently followed me on IG. i immediately blocked that lowlife scum.
it was 2011. i was 21 and madly in love when my forehead was gashed open by my university boyfriend. i bled continuously until he trusted me enough to keep his secret and tell the lie that my injuries and bruises were from me falling off my bike – i walked to piedmont hospital alone which was ironically across the street from my condo which he had been nesting in. when we broke up, he told his family and friends that it was because i cheated on him – a lie to shame me and hide the truth that he was sick. maybe another reason why i moved overseas. my community had been tainted. i still have the scar from the stitches, faded but present. yet, i stopped keeping his secret in 2016 when i moved to tokyo – the unpaid emergency room bill which had been fucking up my credit for 5 years was finally mailed to his parents home with a letter courtesy of my strong grandmother. 
i have many more memories of abuse and assault. it’s fucked up that we can never be truly reconciled for the damage it does and how we must push to undo it. i’m still working through it all, even the seemingly minor transgressions that still happen – just wanna say #metoo. 💗💪🏾

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mother nature 

june 2017 ::

i came from your pussy –

first one to come from your pussy.

didn’t it hurt when i came from your pussy?

so helpless, all bloody and squishy 

i was screaming and crying.

what a joy ー

you passed me off like a baby doll 

and i am not a toy.

//

you once looked so happy though.

you see, what had happened,

you gave up so quick on ya girl 

i’m not sure if you planned it.

i’m not tripping because 

goddamn girl you so craaazy

and if i was around you more 

i don’t think i’d be this lady.

//

maybe i’d be famished from no love from you. 

i’m not being extra. 

had a beautiful cry 

like i had a blade dragged into me to remove a dormant cancer that was hidden & resting but in great magnitude. 

before this cry, i had a productive day.

i laughed and smiled.

i worked on new projects. 

i saw people who i admire.

i had endorphins flowing through my body.

i had a cry @6A after a bike ride home during a call home to my grandmother. 

it was like blockage was removed and resting pain that existed inside me exited in bulk, in the same vain of my living joy. 

i could see myself screaming as babies do when they become aware of the vast world – life replanting me from my comfort zone to one more visibly boundless.

my grandma laughed and said i’m perfect. 

i’m fine, thanks. 

who knows how to feel?

who knows how to deal?

who is made to kill?

i just reach higher.

permanent resident in the sky.

another motherfucker cannot

tell me how to be.

mother earth is dying.

there is no denying.

why am i not crying?

the spirit and quantum

makes me see higher 

than than my eyes.

i take things day to day.

pray with every breath.

prepare for a reality 

of this world with nothing left. 

i say this all with love.

are you fine?

i’m fine.

may / 

Cooler than a cucumber / Flipped the pillow though / But there’s no need / Hands shaking when you touch there / You keep going / Windows run with water drops / Eyes are the windows to the soul / It’s a sun shower / Might not have noticed / On the other side of those 4 limbs / Haven’t seen you for some time / Was only warming up.
///
He said I smelled like earth / He asked where I was from / He felt Atlanta or Harlem. 

self control

i used to be such a hard lover — to hell and back; what would jesus do, self sacrificial kind of foolishness. the way i loved, i could’ve joined ISIS. i was extreme. i was selfless. i was so removed from my own pain that it was like i had no feelings of my own. i was consumed with moving mountains for another. i wonder what that hard love will translate to in the future. i wonder how my ability to love has transformed to continue to be unconditional, without the self-destruction.