my value was the meal.
we made reservations together.
you’re too late.
my value was the meal.
we made reservations together.
you’re too late.
had a beautiful cry
like i had a blade dragged into me to remove a dormant cancer that was hidden & resting but in great magnitude.
before this cry, i had a productive day.
i laughed and smiled.
i worked on new projects.
i saw people who i admire.
i had endorphins flowing through my body.
i had a cry @6A after a bike ride home during a call home to my grandmother.
it was like blockage was removed and resting pain that existed inside me exited in bulk, in the same vain of my living joy.
i could see myself screaming as babies do when they become aware of the vast world – life replanting me from my comfort zone to one more visibly boundless.
my grandma laughed and said i’m perfect.
who knows how to feel?
who knows how to deal?
who is made to kill?
i just reach higher.
permanent resident in the sky.
another motherfucker cannot
tell me how to be.
mother earth is dying.
there is no denying.
why am i not crying?
the spirit and quantum
makes me see higher
than than my eyes.
i take things day to day.
pray with every breath.
prepare for a reality
of this world with nothing left.
i say this all with love.
are you fine?
Cooler than a cucumber / Flipped the pillow though / But there’s no need / Hands shaking when you touch there / You keep going / Windows run with water drops / Eyes are the windows to the soul / It’s a sun shower / Might not have noticed / On the other side of those 4 limbs / Haven’t seen you for some time / Was only warming up.
He said I smelled like earth / He asked where I was from / He felt Atlanta or Harlem.
i used to be such a hard lover — to hell and back; what would jesus do, self sacrificial kind of foolishness. the way i loved, i could’ve joined ISIS. i was extreme. i was selfless. i was so removed from my own pain that it was like i had no feelings of my own. i was consumed with moving mountains for another. i wonder what that hard love will translate to in the future. i wonder how my ability to love has transformed to continue to be unconditional, without the self-destruction.
i constantly find myself unlearning habits that cultivate fear so i can learn how to be more fearless. it can be overwhelming because it happens so often for me. i have such a strong dislike for fear that i find myself often going to extremes just to feel inhibited. often times, the universe puts me in such a position that the only way out is to overcome the fear. that time is now.
i moved overseas to bangkok in 2013. i believe that was my first tangible step of being out of my comfort zone spatially. little did i know at the time, it was a baby step in the grand scheme of it all. there were many more steps ahead on my journey to liberation.
another step has lead me here with this decision.
i realized in december of last year that i was ready to move to japan. interestingly, tokyo has always been the dream city for me when i envisioned myself living abroad. its been that way since i was a teenager. there’s no denying the joy i have felt living in bangkok but i owe it to myself to keep pushing for what i strongly desire and what i can confidently say i deserve. although i know tokyo will have its ups and downs, there is a certain magic there that i want to become engulfed in.
owning my dream and believing in it, despite the naysayers, despite the comfort of my life in bangkok, despite the beautiful people i know here, despite the talented people i can create with here, has been a challenge. yet, its been easier than writing this. writing this has been difficult. posting this will be even more difficult. re-posting this will probably be an easier process. that ease in itself is an achievement for me, regardless of what the results of this campaign are.
honestly though, i need support (flight, startup costs). its been seemingly impossible saving for the cost of living in japan, earning baht, living off of music and creativity… i probably should have started this whole entry with the headline “I NEED SUPPORT” in 72 pt. font, because that the truth. thats what i need. also, i have realized that there are somethings that structurally hold individuals back, such as lack of resources, but much of what we are afraid of is inner.
i was so afraid to make my need public. i wasn’t brought up thinking it was strong to ask for help. being self-made was honorable. sharing your challenges was considered burdensome. i have felt ashamed that i couldn’t financially handle this transition by myself in the time allotted. i felt weak. i felt small. i felt desperate and my desire turned dark. i felt alone and helpless. i still do feel a bit dark, but there is light in stepping out of that space and realizing that i have never been alone at all along my journey.
there has always been someone — someone i can remember, someone i can call, someone i can sing with, someone i can dream with, someone i can laugh with, someone i can eat with, someone i can give love to, someone i can get love from, someone i can meet randomly (and sometimes never see again)…
of course, i would be overwhelmingly overjoyed to reach this goal to comfortably transition. i would think of a way to carefully thank and show my gratitude to every single human being who contributes, for sure.
these funds would be used to propel me forward, not only with the tangible dollars, but with the fact in mind that there are people out there who understand how much these means to me. that energy is momentous. that energy is infectious. that energy is priceless.
I’m still learning how to time travel gracefully. sometimes I’m able to do it with finesse — addressing things that happened in the past with clarity, live in the moment and appreciate what is, focus on the future and declare what is becoming.
then, randomly, something will happen and me being human, I fall victim to anxiety and doubt; although it’s temporary, it happens. even in these moments, I know this troublesome feeling is fleeting, but I still force myself to experience it. I have crude thoughts and even laugh about them in the midst. I kind of find of sick pleasure in exploring the worst case scenario and entertaining the slippery slope. my mind is powerful enough to take the trip and find it strangely entertaining. I cry and laugh about it in a cynical therapy that somehow uplifts me into realizing how fucking hilarious feelings are. that doesn’t make them invalid or irrelevant. they’re just reminders. what they remind you of is dependent upon your mind.
luckily, my mind uses feelings in an analytical way to be reminded what my weaknesses are and what I’m most passionate about, in order to grow. my moments of darkness don’t frighten me. I live in them for the moment to experience and be reminded that I’m brave, fearless, and can conquer & dominate at will.