Written January 2016
My dad didn’t know how to do my hair and he liked to dress me in neutral tones. He also preferred to buy my clothes a size or two too big. He made me learn how to play chess and tennis. He enforced thinking strategically and perfection. He wanted me to skip middle school and go straight to university because I tested on university levels in elementary school.
He wanted me to be the best.
He was usually absent & usually abusive.
I feared him, yet I can’t deny that he cared to push me.
I despised his tactics. I have no use for him now and have made peace with the dynamic of our relationship in my own ways. He has no idea where i am now, or what I’m up to. It’s cool that he had some sort of vision of my intelligence and capabilities. He just didn’t know how to support me or love me & still doesn’t know how. It’s all good. I’m sure he’s somewhere with a passport full of stamps. He named me Asia for a reason.
Listen to “saddad.” (recorded summer 2017)
the tone in my voice
the rage in my speech
the emotions you heard
through the words i said as i sat in bed
impatient and triggered by words i read
didn’t stop to breathe
aimed at you from far away
didn’t hear you say please don’t shoot
please excuse my ptsd
june 2017 ::
i came from your pussy –
first one to come from your pussy.
didn’t it hurt when i came from your pussy?
so helpless, all bloody and squishy
i was screaming and crying.
what a joy ー
you passed me off like a baby doll
and i am not a toy.
you once looked so happy though.
you see, what had happened,
you gave up so quick on ya girl
i’m not sure if you planned it.
i’m not tripping because
goddamn girl you so craaazy
and if i was around you more
i don’t think i’d be this lady.
maybe i’d be famished from no love from you.
had a beautiful cry
like i had a blade dragged into me to remove a dormant cancer that was hidden & resting but in great magnitude.
before this cry, i had a productive day.
i laughed and smiled.
i worked on new projects.
i saw people who i admire.
i had endorphins flowing through my body.
i had a cry @6A after a bike ride home during a call home to my grandmother.
it was like blockage was removed and resting pain that existed inside me exited in bulk, in the same vain of my living joy.
i could see myself screaming as babies do when they become aware of the vast world – life replanting me from my comfort zone to one more visibly boundless.
my grandma laughed and said i’m perfect.
who knows how to feel?
who knows how to deal?
who is made to kill?
i just reach higher.
permanent resident in the sky.
another motherfucker cannot
tell me how to be.
mother earth is dying.
there is no denying.
why am i not crying?
the spirit and quantum
makes me see higher
than than my eyes.
i take things day to day.
pray with every breath.
prepare for a reality
of this world with nothing left.
i say this all with love.
are you fine?
i used to be such a hard lover — to hell and back; what would jesus do, self sacrificial kind of foolishness. the way i loved, i could’ve joined ISIS. i was extreme. i was selfless. i was so removed from my own pain that it was like i had no feelings of my own. i was consumed with moving mountains for another. i wonder what that hard love will translate to in the future. i wonder how my ability to love has transformed to continue to be unconditional, without the self-destruction.
I could be a conspiracy theorist.
I could say that all of this ongoing chaos is a part of some sick twisted scheme.
I could say that there are powers at be that smile at the injustices in the world.
I could say that there’s always going to be an antagonist.
I could say that there will always be war to fight and a battle to overcome.
I could say that there will always be love to spread and a future to believe in.
I could say that there’s always going to be a protagonist.
I could say that there are powers in the world that smile at the progressions in the world.
I could say that all of the energy invested in rallying against trends of inequality will help bring about a paradigm shift in the universe.
I could be a dreamer ~