june 2017 ::
i came from your pussy –
first one to come from your pussy.
didn’t it hurt when i came from your pussy?
so helpless, all bloody and squishy
i was screaming and crying.
what a joy ー
you passed me off like a baby doll
and i am not a toy.
you once looked so happy though.
you see, what had happened,
you gave up so quick on ya girl
i’m not sure if you planned it.
i’m not tripping because
goddamn girl you so craaazy
and if i was around you more
i don’t think i’d be this lady.
maybe i’d be famished from no love from you.
had a beautiful cry
like i had a blade dragged into me to remove a dormant cancer that was hidden & resting but in great magnitude.
before this cry, i had a productive day.
i laughed and smiled.
i worked on new projects.
i saw people who i admire.
i had endorphins flowing through my body.
i had a cry @6A after a bike ride home during a call home to my grandmother.
it was like blockage was removed and resting pain that existed inside me exited in bulk, in the same vain of my living joy.
i could see myself screaming as babies do when they become aware of the vast world – life replanting me from my comfort zone to one more visibly boundless.
my grandma laughed and said i’m perfect.
who knows how to feel?
who knows how to deal?
who is made to kill?
i just reach higher.
permanent resident in the sky.
another motherfucker cannot
tell me how to be.
mother earth is dying.
there is no denying.
why am i not crying?
the spirit and quantum
makes me see higher
than than my eyes.
i take things day to day.
pray with every breath.
prepare for a reality
of this world with nothing left.
i say this all with love.
are you fine?
it’s strange because it doesn’t feel strange at all. although i couldn’t sleep and didn’t have much of an appetite the preceding days before my arrival, now that i’m back in bangkok, i feel a sense of serenity, excitement, and hunger. i told someone and she said she was jealous.
i hopped on the metro rail link from the airport. there were a few English speaking Thais who were kind enough to try to help me but i knew exactly where i was going. i appreciated this act of kindness because i know that it takes courage to assert yourself in a language that’s not native. i couldn’t help but smile. then, i transferred to the BTS, stood in sweat unbothered, and enjoyed my phone being dead so i could enjoy relying on my instincts for direction and take in my environment. i lugged my 27kg suitcase and backpacks to terminal 21, which is a mall that more than likely houses the BEST thai food court in the world. i went back to the vegetarian stall that i used to frequent and used my eyes to order food that i did indeed forget how to pronounce. i ate it all for the equivalent of $3. fresh vegetables, seasoned perfectly, without the hormones. i told someone and he said he was jealous.
i caught an uber from the mall and it was a seamless experience. i didn’t have to talk, he helped me with my luggage, and he spoke basic english. i even napped in the mazda. a solid 35 minute ride cost me less than $8. i told someone and he said he was jealous.
i arrived at a former student’s house out in the burbs. she’s old enough to be my mom and still calls me “teacher”, even though I haven’t taught her in almost a year. she was at work when my uber arrived. i was greeted by her housekeeper who helped me with my things and had a plate of refreshing watermelon ready for me to devour. i unwound myself and slept for hours, unbothered, to awake to the sounds of tropical birds and roosters. i told someone and she said she was jealous.
so i say all this to say that, it’s damn good to be back in thailand. i know what brought me back but i also, i know that no land is perfect. i can say that i know many people who are discontent and unfulfilled, questioning the motions that they’re going through. why not live like you deserve? why not seek the fulfillment that you’re craving? why not feed your health positively? why not try to create your heaven on earth? it’s more than just geography.
don’t be jealous. just live like you deserve.
Here’s a place I haven’t been in a while. My mind’s been busy trying to strategize the path I’ll take to get out of Thailand. Thailand is an interesting place. It’s a contradiction just like so many other things and places in this world, but there’s definitely an astonishing amount of beauty to be appreciated here. I just know it’s not a place I could really call “home” for an extended period of time. It’s kind of boring to be quite frank and not really that progressive. Plus I miss seasons, conversations with strangers, diverse cuisines being the norm, and living in a baht currency is cool for Thailand but I can’t really take that money elsewhere. So, I basically want more and I don’t think I’m wrong for seeking it.
I wanted to go through checks and balances with an outsider someone who wouldn’t say anything just to please me and could give me a perspective I might not have considered. I was basically told that there are zero degrees of separation and it’s best to cast your bucket where you are, versus chasing ideals. They think it’s best to work with what you have and that if I go somewhere else it’ll be a new place with the same shit. I dig that but I don’t think this perspective is exactly applicable to my situation. I’m wanting to leave Thailand not because I’m chasing ideals. Yea, I want seasons and whatnot but I was willing to give those things up when I left the U.S. I’m learning more about myself and what I want and now after 1 year+ in Thailand I’ve gained SO much clarity about a heap of things. I want to leave Thailand because I need to feel challenged and can’t settle for the first country overseas that I’ve visited for an extended period of time. I can only compare it to life in the states. I must keep exploring and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone to maximize my lifetime. I’m not expecting my next stop to be “home sweet home” or a paradise, but I’m not just going to stay put and kill time in Thailand.
Sure, life in Thailand is easy. I have a decent job. I’m great at it. It’s not a complete pain in the ass. I have a kickass band but really outside of the band, I have no link to Bangkok – nothing’s keeping me here. No family, no friends, no contract, no love, nothing. My acquaintance argued that if I maintain this perspective then I’ll end up living the gypsy life forever. Haha can’t say I’d have a problem with that. I’m sure I’ll settle down or whatever they call it when it’s my time to though.
I guess for me, progression, exploration, intimacy and self expression are really my only necessities in life. Yea. I’m 24. Desires may change, but truthfully, I can’t live in fear like that. The fear that one day my wants may change. The fear that my next stop won’t be spectacular. The fear of leaving Bangkok because then I would never know the true potential of our band. I can’t live bound like that. Not when it’s not my personal choice. All I know is 2014 Brittany wants more and has a vividly clear vision what she wants for herself which can reflect who I am as a person. Of course, life is unpredictable but it’s a journey to appreciate and one that I won’t take for granted. No expectations on this ride but I’m living to thrive and that can’t be done if I don’t trust myself. It’s a logical decision intertwined with my passion for life.
So, where next? Melbourne.
Fuck off and/or wish me the best. 😛