i’m not being extra. 

had a beautiful cry 

like i had a blade dragged into me to remove a dormant cancer that was hidden & resting but in great magnitude. 

before this cry, i had a productive day.

i laughed and smiled.

i worked on new projects. 

i saw people who i admire.

i had endorphins flowing through my body.

i had a cry @6A after a bike ride home during a call home to my grandmother. 

it was like blockage was removed and resting pain that existed inside me exited in bulk, in the same vain of my living joy. 

i could see myself screaming as babies do when they become aware of the vast world – life replanting me from my comfort zone to one more visibly boundless.

my grandma laughed and said i’m perfect. 

i’m fine, thanks. 

who knows how to feel?

who knows how to deal?

who is made to kill?

i just reach higher.

permanent resident in the sky.

another motherfucker cannot

tell me how to be.

mother earth is dying.

there is no denying.

why am i not crying?

the spirit and quantum

makes me see higher 

than than my eyes.

i take things day to day.

pray with every breath.

prepare for a reality 

of this world with nothing left. 

i say this all with love.

are you fine?

i’m fine.

circa 2004

These days, life is like the summer between jr high and high school. I don’t know it all but I’ve seen some things. I’ve grown apart from people. I’ve seen things come to an end. I’ve seen sadness. Creating precious moments that are like deep secrets is a hobby. I’ve built comraderies through shared experiences. Most things inspire me. I am very expressive. I dance often. I kiss my friends. I hold their hands. I want them to feel special. Life is not sexualized. Life is pure. My male friends are my brothers. My female friends are my sisters. I’ve seen happiness. I’ve gotten into trouble. I know life is about choices. I’ve taken some risks. I’ve seen my peers do foolish things for the attention and approval of others. I enjoy inside jokes. I’ve seen the ying and yang in my elders — some bitter, some better. My heart is warm. I like to write notes, lay on my bed naked & listen to music, & give flowers to strangers. I don’t take things too seriously, although I know some of my peers do. They think that’s what the future will demand from them. I’m enjoying breaking the rules, cherishing my friendships, living for my favorite things, and having a good laugh. The tests will always be there.

ILWD

i am in love with dreaming
what else is better to build a future with
what else is better to sustain
nail polish will chip
make-up must always be reapplied
cosmetics must always be replaced
lipstick will always smear
you can’t sleep in concealer
jewellery hides the skin
socks get holy
lingerie gets ragged
fashion fluctuates in value
vintage is subjective
vinyl records get scratched
body shapes will vary
coffee stains
food will perish
the sun will set
the moon might hide on a cloudy sky
the clouds might rage with storms
storms might ruin towns
heritage can be unknown
races can blend
skin can change pigmentation
ethnicities are ambiguous
species can go extinct
nations can lose borders
economies is opt to crash
leaders are able to disappoint
identifications must be renewed
names can changes
society is fickle
relationships are fluid
time doesn’t wait
romance is elusive
orgasms are spiritual
people are unpredictable
relationships aren’t obligatory
i am in love with dreaming
what else is better to build a future with
what else is better to sustain

parental advisory

God told me that he loves me. 

He showed me mars within a man,

who was once venus as a boy

but did not cultivate his land.

God told me that he loves me. 

He let me see the darkest side.

For years, my light was dimmed

and I was jaded, now i’m alive.

God told me that she loves me.

She said nostaglia’s not becoming 

and that I should never relish in it

as aesthetics can be cunning.

God told me that she loves me. 

She said I shouldn’t see you

and that when I’m in your presence

I could get lost and then I’ll be you.

mind games 

I’m still learning how to time travel gracefully. sometimes I’m able to do it with finesse — addressing things that happened in the past with clarity, live in the moment and appreciate what is, focus on the future and declare what is becoming. 

then, randomly, something will happen and me being human, I fall victim to anxiety and doubt; although it’s temporary, it happens. even in these moments, I know this troublesome feeling is fleeting, but I still force myself to experience it. I have crude thoughts and even laugh about them in the midst. I kind of find of sick pleasure in exploring the worst case scenario and entertaining the slippery slope. my mind is powerful enough to take the trip and find it strangely entertaining. I cry and laugh about it in a cynical therapy that somehow uplifts me into realizing how fucking hilarious feelings are. that doesn’t make them invalid or irrelevant. they’re just reminders. what they remind you of is dependent upon your mind. 

luckily, my mind uses feelings in an analytical way to be reminded what my weaknesses are and what I’m most passionate about, in order to grow. my moments of darkness don’t frighten me. I live in them for the moment to experience and be reminded that I’m brave, fearless, and can conquer & dominate at will.