june 2017 ::
i came from your pussy –
first one to come from your pussy.
didn’t it hurt when i came from your pussy?
so helpless, all bloody and squishy
i was screaming and crying.
what a joy ー
you passed me off like a baby doll
and i am not a toy.
you once looked so happy though.
you see, what had happened,
you gave up so quick on ya girl
i’m not sure if you planned it.
i’m not tripping because
goddamn girl you so craaazy
and if i was around you more
i don’t think i’d be this lady.
maybe i’d be famished from no love from you.
my value was the meal.
we made reservations together.
you’re too late.
had a beautiful cry
like i had a blade dragged into me to remove a dormant cancer that was hidden & resting but in great magnitude.
before this cry, i had a productive day.
i laughed and smiled.
i worked on new projects.
i saw people who i admire.
i had endorphins flowing through my body.
i had a cry @6A after a bike ride home during a call home to my grandmother.
it was like blockage was removed and resting pain that existed inside me exited in bulk, in the same vain of my living joy.
i could see myself screaming as babies do when they become aware of the vast world – life replanting me from my comfort zone to one more visibly boundless.
my grandma laughed and said i’m perfect.
Cooler than a cucumber / Flipped the pillow though / But there’s no need / Hands shaking when you touch there / You keep going / Windows run with water drops / Eyes are the windows to the soul / It’s a sun shower / Might not have noticed / On the other side of those 4 limbs / Haven’t seen you for some time / Was only warming up.
He said I smelled like earth / He asked where I was from / He felt Atlanta or Harlem.
i used to be such a hard lover — to hell and back; what would jesus do, self sacrificial kind of foolishness. the way i loved, i could’ve joined ISIS. i was extreme. i was selfless. i was so removed from my own pain that it was like i had no feelings of my own. i was consumed with moving mountains for another. i wonder what that hard love will translate to in the future. i wonder how my ability to love has transformed to continue to be unconditional, without the self-destruction.
These days, life is like the summer between jr high and high school. I don’t know it all but I’ve seen some things. I’ve grown apart from people. I’ve seen things come to an end. I’ve seen sadness. Creating precious moments that are like deep secrets is a hobby. I’ve built comraderies through shared experiences. Most things inspire me. I am very expressive. I dance often. I kiss my friends. I hold their hands. I want them to feel special. Life is not sexualized. Life is pure. My male friends are my brothers. My female friends are my sisters. I’ve seen happiness. I’ve gotten into trouble. I know life is about choices. I’ve taken some risks. I’ve seen my peers do foolish things for the attention and approval of others. I enjoy inside jokes. I’ve seen the ying and yang in my elders — some bitter, some better. My heart is warm. I like to write notes, lay on my bed naked & listen to music, & give flowers to strangers. I don’t take things too seriously, although I know some of my peers do. They think that’s what the future will demand from them. I’m enjoying breaking the rules, cherishing my friendships, living for my favorite things, and having a good laugh. The tests will always be there.