i’m not being extra. 

had a beautiful cry 

like i had a blade dragged into me to remove a dormant cancer that was hidden & resting but in great magnitude. 

before this cry, i had a productive day.

i laughed and smiled.

i worked on new projects. 

i saw people who i admire.

i had endorphins flowing through my body.

i had a cry @6A after a bike ride home during a call home to my grandmother. 

it was like blockage was removed and resting pain that existed inside me exited in bulk, in the same vain of my living joy. 

i could see myself screaming as babies do when they become aware of the vast world – life replanting me from my comfort zone to one more visibly boundless.

my grandma laughed and said i’m perfect. 

i’m fine, thanks. 

who knows how to feel?

who knows how to deal?

who is made to kill?

i just reach higher.

permanent resident in the sky.

another motherfucker cannot

tell me how to be.

mother earth is dying.

there is no denying.

why am i not crying?

the spirit and quantum

makes me see higher 

than than my eyes.

i take things day to day.

pray with every breath.

prepare for a reality 

of this world with nothing left. 

i say this all with love.

are you fine?

i’m fine.

may / 

Cooler than a cucumber / Flipped the pillow though / But there’s no need / Hands shaking when you touch there / You keep going / Windows run with water drops / Eyes are the windows to the soul / It’s a sun shower / Might not have noticed / On the other side of those 4 limbs / Haven’t seen you for some time / Was only warming up.
///
He said I smelled like earth / He asked where I was from / He felt Atlanta or Harlem. 

007

Sometimes I try not to think about you. Right now, I’m trying to think about you. I have met you a few times. I laughed at you when I was in high school, numb to the fact that I truly did want to get to know you. I thought I was ready to really learn everything about you when I was 19. I began to observe you, or what I thought was you. You loved illusions. I loved your game. I was so intrigued by you. I was so ready to look you in your eyes and explore you. I wanted to be consumed by you. You were everything to me, but how was this so when I still didn’t know you? I had barely scratched the surface. I thought I met you again when I moved overseas. I met someone who reminded me of you, but it was an allegory of you. I thought I saw you again in Los Angeles, twice actually. I’m still not sure if it was you. It resembled you so much. It had similar characteristics, got me high like you did, even treated me ways that you have before, sounded like you, listened like you did, but I can’t be sure as I haven’t really gotten to know you. I’m no longer going to look for you. I never really was looking. I would get a bit excited when I felt I was in your presence. I can’t help myself. You are so beautiful, so elusive, so fleeting, so flirtatious, so confusing, so challenging, so annoying, so ridiculous, or maybe it’s just because I don’t know you that well yet. I don’t even know if we have really met before. How can I be sure that it’s you next time? How can you stay longer so I can know you entirely? Sometimes I wonder if I even want to get to know you. Sometimes I think you might be a distraction for me. Sometimes I wonder if you’re really as good as you seem to be. Sometimes I wonder if you’re just an extension of my imagination. Sometimes I envision you and I see you everywhere. Sometimes that’s not enough.

Who knows how to make love stay?

sabai dee

it’s strange because it doesn’t feel strange at all. although i couldn’t sleep and didn’t have much of an appetite the preceding days before my arrival, now that i’m back in bangkok, i feel a sense of serenity, excitement, and hunger. i told someone and she said she was jealous.

i hopped on the metro rail link from the airport. there were a few English speaking Thais who were kind enough to try to help me but i knew exactly where i was going. i appreciated this act of kindness because i know that it takes courage to assert yourself in a language that’s not native. i couldn’t help but smile. then, i transferred to the BTS, stood in sweat unbothered, and enjoyed my phone being dead so i could enjoy relying on my instincts for direction and take in my environment. i lugged my 27kg suitcase and backpacks to terminal 21, which is a mall that more than likely houses the BEST thai food court in the world. i went back to the vegetarian stall that i used to frequent and used my eyes to order food that i did indeed forget how to pronounce. i ate it all for the equivalent of $3. fresh vegetables, seasoned perfectly, without the hormones. i told someone and he said he was jealous.

i caught an uber from the mall and it was a seamless experience. i didn’t have to talk, he helped me with my luggage, and he spoke basic english. i even napped in the mazda. a solid 35 minute ride cost me less than $8. i told someone and he said he was jealous.

i arrived at a former student’s house out in the burbs. she’s old enough to be my mom and still calls me “teacher”, even though I haven’t taught her in almost a year. she was at work when my uber arrived. i was greeted by her housekeeper who helped me with my things and had a plate of refreshing watermelon ready for me to devour. i unwound myself and slept for hours, unbothered, to awake to the sounds of tropical birds and roosters. i told someone and she said she was jealous.

so i say all this to say that, it’s damn good to be back in thailand. i know what brought me back but i also, i know that no land is perfect. i can say that i know many people who are discontent and unfulfilled, questioning the motions that they’re going through. why not live like you deserve? why not seek the fulfillment that you’re craving? why not feed your health positively? why not try to create your heaven on earth? it’s more than just geography.

don’t be jealous. just live like you deserve.

  

can you touch your higher self? 

contrasting colors 

comparative awe

independent powers

dependent cohesion

exponentially building 

simultaneously rising 

i’m falling in love