007

Sometimes I try not to think about you. Right now, I’m trying to think about you. I have met you a few times. I laughed at you when I was in high school, numb to the fact that I truly did want to get to know you. I thought I was ready to really learn everything about you when I was 19. I began to observe you, or what I thought was you. You loved illusions. I loved your game. I was so intrigued by you. I was so ready to look you in your eyes and explore you. I wanted to be consumed by you. You were everything to me, but how was this so when I still didn’t know you? I had barely scratched the surface. I thought I met you again when I moved overseas. I met someone who reminded me of you, but it was an allegory of you. I thought I saw you again in Los Angeles, twice actually. I’m still not sure if it was you. It resembled you so much. It had similar characteristics, got me high like you did, even treated me ways that you have before, sounded like you, listened like you did, but I can’t be sure as I haven’t really gotten to know you. I’m no longer going to look for you. I never really was looking. I would get a bit excited when I felt I was in your presence. I can’t help myself. You are so beautiful, so elusive, so fleeting, so flirtatious, so confusing, so challenging, so annoying, so ridiculous, or maybe it’s just because I don’t know you that well yet. I don’t even know if we have really met before. How can I be sure that it’s you next time? How can you stay longer so I can know you entirely? Sometimes I wonder if I even want to get to know you. Sometimes I think you might be a distraction for me. Sometimes I wonder if you’re really as good as you seem to be. Sometimes I wonder if you’re just an extension of my imagination. Sometimes I envision you and I see you everywhere. Sometimes that’s not enough.

Who knows how to make love stay?

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sabai dee

it’s strange because it doesn’t feel strange at all. although i couldn’t sleep and didn’t have much of an appetite the preceding days before my arrival, now that i’m back in bangkok, i feel a sense of serenity, excitement, and hunger. i told someone and she said she was jealous.

i hopped on the metro rail link from the airport. there were a few English speaking Thais who were kind enough to try to help me but i knew exactly where i was going. i appreciated this act of kindness because i know that it takes courage to assert yourself in a language that’s not native. i couldn’t help but smile. then, i transferred to the BTS, stood in sweat unbothered, and enjoyed my phone being dead so i could enjoy relying on my instincts for direction and take in my environment. i lugged my 27kg suitcase and backpacks to terminal 21, which is a mall that more than likely houses the BEST thai food court in the world. i went back to the vegetarian stall that i used to frequent and used my eyes to order food that i did indeed forget how to pronounce. i ate it all for the equivalent of $3. fresh vegetables, seasoned perfectly, without the hormones. i told someone and he said he was jealous.

i caught an uber from the mall and it was a seamless experience. i didn’t have to talk, he helped me with my luggage, and he spoke basic english. i even napped in the mazda. a solid 35 minute ride cost me less than $8. i told someone and he said he was jealous.

i arrived at a former student’s house out in the burbs. she’s old enough to be my mom and still calls me “teacher”, even though I haven’t taught her in almost a year. she was at work when my uber arrived. i was greeted by her housekeeper who helped me with my things and had a plate of refreshing watermelon ready for me to devour. i unwound myself and slept for hours, unbothered, to awake to the sounds of tropical birds and roosters. i told someone and she said she was jealous.

so i say all this to say that, it’s damn good to be back in thailand. i know what brought me back but i also, i know that no land is perfect. i can say that i know many people who are discontent and unfulfilled, questioning the motions that they’re going through. why not live like you deserve? why not seek the fulfillment that you’re craving? why not feed your health positively? why not try to create your heaven on earth? it’s more than just geography.

don’t be jealous. just live like you deserve.

open letter

Dear Universe,

Take them out of their misery because their lives are full of pain and the feeling is far from numbness. The darkness consumes their days, so they have adjusted their senses. Paranoia is on the rise and their eyes make shadows of everything. To them, everything is predatory. Everything is haunting and the faint light that they bear witness to is all in their imagination – simply a reflection of what they fear but they cling to it self-deceivingly for comfort and peace of mind, trying to find solace in its bitter nonexistence. Complacency is the norm. They create new truths and a new species inside themselves as a sick form of evolution. This species teaches itself to be a victim. They regenerate monsters and demons out of their past. They befriend them because they think this is all they have and that faint light that they cling to illuminates their world and becomes their justification. This light is false hope. It becomes dimmer and dimmer as their vision becomes weakened and content with its absence. They create a new form of rationalization. This involves denying their minds of any elevation or enlightenment. This too would be too painful, as they have trained themselves to adjust to the darkness. A brighter truth would be too blinding. Is it not sympathetic to wonder, why are they still here?

tenses

I think there was a time
When I was blind
But how would I know
My eyes were open
My mind was open
I think there was a time
When I couldn’t feel
But how would I know
I had my skin and limbs
To feel the touch, the pain
But I was numb
I think there was a time
When I had no nerves and no reaction
But how would I know
I had attraction
How would I know
I had eyes that watered
Occasionally
I think there was a time
When I was sick
But how would I know
I had no doctor to tell me so
No pills from diagnosis
And then there came the time
When I would see too deeply
And feel too intensely
And think too critically
And cry too often
And medicate myself
And now here is a time
When I know what it means to be human.

libertad

The past few weeks have been righteously wonderful. Our band had three kickass shows. The most recent one was at a local bar & diner owned by a guy from Wisconsin. We performed at his anniversary event with a plethora of other bands. I don’t think I’ve ever spazzed like that at another show. The bar was packed. A friend & supporter of the band who is a cartoonist came out again to see us. This time he brought his easel, a canvas, and paint. Yes. Our performance inspired some live artwork. Other bands might have been a bit jellyyyy. Hahah. So yea, that happened. We’ve also had a videographer at our past 3 shows to get live footage for our music video. Next, we’re going to get footage of us being the wild spirits that we are out and about in the Bangkok streets. It should be hot. Literally. Anddddd, to add the icing to this unexpected homemade, gourmet quality cake, we went to the studio last weekend and got an official single recorded, plus a B side. Sweet. We’re waiting for the video to release it to the world wide web. Not that we have fans anticipating the release, but for the thrill of possible amazement, we think it’s best to deliver it as a package. We’ll stay mysterious for a while in the meantime. Coincidentally, we don’t have any shows for a while, so we’ll just naturally disappear from the radar until the video/audio is released. Yea, you can feel my anticipation building. I’m geeked to have a product of my expression. 

Speaking of expression, I’ve decided that I want to pursue music more full-time. I always knew it was something that I loved, but it felt like a cliche pursuit. Especially, coming from Atlanta, where all the homies from around the way have ambitions of being rappers, singers, or running down other avenues of the entertainment industry, speaking of wanting to be a musician feels unrealistic and damn near corny. Now, that I’ve been shown my own potential and how hard I’ve been willing to go for what is merely a hobby, I’ve found a desire to pursue it more actively — not necessarily seeking capital, just simply for the sake of expression. I love to write. I love to perform. I love to dance. I love to make people dance. I love music but after hearing other people’s opinions after seeing us perform, I doubt it’ll be hard to sustain a comfortable lifestyle with my talents and abilities. And I can’t believe I just typed that shit. Hahaa. Oh my. What am I becoming…? Its like the universe is just laying out the red carpet for me to pursue this dream that I secretly had buried in a treasure chest. Thailand brought the treasure chest to the shore and day by day, something happens to shed more light on the dream that seems like it will soon be a reality. I have everything going for me and the only thing that can stop me are my occasional cynical thoughts. Oh liberation…

“…I have the choice to be who I want to be. It’s left over to me and my mama dem told mehhhh…”

raw food for thought

I just enjoyed an amazingly satisfying bowl of tomyum (spicy soup made with chilies and coconut milk) and spring rolls. I feel good. I spent my morning at the immigration office doing my 90 day check-in. Blaahh. I spent the afternoon binge watching Masterchef Canada, which is always an enjoyable activity. I know the season is complete but I’m rooting for Eric, the handsome Chinese boy. hehe. Go figure.  My second choice is Marida, a lovely Trindadian. Anywho… Before heading out for soup, I had an hour Lana del Rey jam session. That girl is one of my favorite musicians at the time. Her music makes me a bit emotional but it feels good to feel something so I dance wildly in my condo; sometimes with Mary, sometimes with teary eyes. Now, I’m back in my most enjoyed spot at the moment. I don’t know if that’s sad or peaceful, or peacefully sad. I have better places in my imagination though, of course. I’m realizing how much I love to sing though while having all this alone time. My voice isn’t half bad. I knew I had a little something in the treasure chest. I suppose that’s what gave me the notion to seek out a band to join. All this belting in my condo has my voice tuning up and sounding half good. Haha. I’m actually doing a duet with a young lady here who’s Scottish/Nigerian. She sounds straight like Chaka. We’ve got practice later this evening. The plan is to rack in about an extra $500/month each singing funk, jazz, and soul covers. I never say no to rising dough. Breadddddd. So yea, that’s happening. Again, these are reasons why I say life is good. Seriously. There’s so many things that I’ve done in Thailand within the 9 months I’ve been here. My life has upgraded wonderfully in such a short amount of time. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to leave. Of course, there’s one little thing that’s been troubling me. The uncontrollable loneliness. Ughhh. I wish I didn’t feel it. Trust. I didn’t really feel it until recently. I was too busy with my nose wide opened being in a foreign country but now that I’ve settled in and things aren’t as fresh, I wish I had someone to have fun with more & more. Its that simple. The icing on the cake. Greedy? Maybe. Sometimes I feel bad for wanting a friend when my life is so good. Am I too ambitious for wanting more? I don’t need someone to make me happy. I don’t need someone to give me purpose or any of that emo sadness. Been there, done that. I just desire someone to enhance things a bit and give me a new stimulant. A new positive energy. Life will be what its gonna be. A friend through this would be greatly appreciated. I think about my ex at times like these and how we could’ve been best friends if we would’ve been patient to see that we made better friends than lovers. I get that now. I don’t even need a lover. I wouldn’t turn down love if came my way though. I’m grateful for whatever true friendship happens to blossom in the near future.

Yuck. That was a lot of emotion. Glad I got that off. Eww. Time to return to Mary and Masterchef. I find joy in the simple things.