it was 2008. i was a college freshman and he wanted a part of me that he had entered before. he was my high school boyfriend but it was done – just wanted to be homies. i refused to share my body with him again and he felt that fighting me would make me submit. we fought. i screamed and chased him with a knife out of my apartment. he recently followed me on IG. i immediately blocked that lowlife scum.
it was 2011. i was 21 and madly in love when my forehead was gashed open by my university boyfriend. i bled continuously until he trusted me enough to keep his secret and tell the lie that my injuries and bruises were from me falling off my bike – i walked to piedmont hospital alone which was ironically across the street from my condo which he had been nesting in. when we broke up, he told his family and friends that it was because i cheated on him – a lie to shame me and hide the truth that he was sick. maybe another reason why i moved overseas. my community had been tainted. i still have the scar from the stitches, faded but present. yet, i stopped keeping his secret in 2016 when i moved to tokyo – the unpaid emergency room bill which had been fucking up my credit for 5 years was finally mailed to his parents home with a letter courtesy of my strong grandmother.
i have many more memories of abuse and assault. it’s fucked up that we can never be truly reconciled for the damage it does and how we must push to undo it. i’m still working through it all, even the seemingly minor transgressions that still happen – just wanna say #metoo. 💗💪🏾
june 2017 ::
i came from your pussy –
first one to come from your pussy.
didn’t it hurt when i came from your pussy?
so helpless, all bloody and squishy
i was screaming and crying.
what a joy ー
you passed me off like a baby doll
and i am not a toy.
you once looked so happy though.
you see, what had happened,
you gave up so quick on ya girl
i’m not sure if you planned it.
i’m not tripping because
goddamn girl you so craaazy
and if i was around you more
i don’t think i’d be this lady.
maybe i’d be famished from no love from you.
overdosed on self control
went to rehab, detox complete
desire’s high, can not tame
an appetite that yearns to crave
outermost masks cool as ice
median enjoys the void
sweet escape in the space between
beyond it all lives the rawest nature
the inner core quakes and beams
when the trinity is magnetized
self control can not be, naturally
best to flow into eruption
best to exhale and release the steam
fermented feels turn insatiable
refuse to let desires rest
when the trinity is magnetized
fear exists in a held breath
expression births realities sought
naive believe fate’s the only god
rewards to self root in declaration
let desire be the cause
had a beautiful cry
like i had a blade dragged into me to remove a dormant cancer that was hidden & resting but in great magnitude.
before this cry, i had a productive day.
i laughed and smiled.
i worked on new projects.
i saw people who i admire.
i had endorphins flowing through my body.
i had a cry @6A after a bike ride home during a call home to my grandmother.
it was like blockage was removed and resting pain that existed inside me exited in bulk, in the same vain of my living joy.
i could see myself screaming as babies do when they become aware of the vast world – life replanting me from my comfort zone to one more visibly boundless.
my grandma laughed and said i’m perfect.
Cooler than a cucumber / Flipped the pillow though / But there’s no need / Hands shaking when you touch there / You keep going / Windows run with water drops / Eyes are the windows to the soul / It’s a sun shower / Might not have noticed / On the other side of those 4 limbs / Haven’t seen you for some time / Was only warming up.
He said I smelled like earth / He asked where I was from / He felt Atlanta or Harlem.
I could be a conspiracy theorist.
I could say that all of this ongoing chaos is a part of some sick twisted scheme.
I could say that there are powers at be that smile at the injustices in the world.
I could say that there’s always going to be an antagonist.
I could say that there will always be war to fight and a battle to overcome.
I could say that there will always be love to spread and a future to believe in.
I could say that there’s always going to be a protagonist.
I could say that there are powers in the world that smile at the progressions in the world.
I could say that all of the energy invested in rallying against trends of inequality will help bring about a paradigm shift in the universe.
I could be a dreamer ~
April 8, 2015
at 2:16pm, we casually strolled an open sidewalk in a latin suburb southwest of LA. with interlocked hands and synchronized steps. we walked with no destination to slow down time. any onlookers knew we were parting ways. they knew I was passing through. my bags labelled me as an international traveler with ID tags still attached to them from my previous voyage. I had placed my bags in the backseat as we loaded your car to head back to the city. I wanted to make a smooth exit with perspective that cloaked my heart. although, I wasn’t sad, detaching a bit seemed fitting. having my bags next to yours along the ride in the trunk seemed too connected. I hoped you weren’t offended by my shift in emotion on the ride back from our weekend retreat. this retreat had been a magic carpet ride with you and was either having a layover or was ending. I didn’t want to have feelings that I thought were too heavy and intense, yet I couldn’t fight their lingering presence. adjusting myself with these feelings that I had never experienced wasn’t so easy to finesse. in the moment, I knew we’d probably create more memories. it just bothered me that I didn’t know when and how they would come about. you parked, signaling a prerequisite to our final moments. I didn’t know whether to rush inside or to open my body for you again to commemorate the moment with what I’d hope would be more adventure and less awkwardness. or it could have resulted in the complete opposite. should we even commemorate at all? with my bags on my back, we kissed and I might have numbed my feelings to let logic prevail. as I crossed the street to head in, I contemplated. I didn’t want to walk away from you without looking back & making eye contact as my physical drifted away. although it seemed cliche, I wanted you to know that you were worth every second, no matter how simple it may seem. as the path got too narrow and distant, I turned around to wave. it was yet another sentiment for me, and worth the step outside of my comfort zone. once again, I had taken off my cool for you. I would go inside my cousins’ house to find it empty. my memories with you were enough to fill the room and more, but still I thought to call you, stop you before you got too far away, and invite you in to create more moments and extend time more with me. in this moment, it was the thought that counted. even after days together with laughter to tighten abdominals and sex to burn the fat, I wanted more. I liked the fact that I missed you and longed to create more priceless moments with you. my desire to give you more of me, have more of you & more of us aroused me and inspired me. it also gave me an abundance of serenity, humility, and gratitude, knowing that our connection is exactly what I had been longing for. hours later, you would message me. “come on and let me in, I’m callin'” — a lyric. it was like an omen… a song that made you think of me, as I’m thinking of you and my invitation(s).