another はいく 

i have many things,

no one to share silence with. 

“six sense” diary.

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4:50 AM (JST)

Their cup is full, yet empty. Either way, it runneths over. It never seems to be enough. Everything is purple. Two’s company; double cupped. Mommy and Daddy wouldn’t understand. They don’t speak the code. Everything is dipped in gold. Luxury is trending even if it’s fake. Followers are currency. Luxury is trending even if its imitated. ‘As Fuck’ is a valid measurement. Fuckboy mentality is deep AF. Frozen moods, cold hearts, as they’re living for a camera. Nobody has the answers. There’s different versions of the test. Free the nipple. Dim the lights. Get lit AF. Endorphins are imported. All the culture is extorted. Consciousness becomes aborted. Feels are felt. Feelings change. Humans become toxic waste. Praying for the world to change. We can all still dance though, even if the music sucks. Ignore the beats per minute because the DJs will play for us. If everyone stopped the fist pumping, then EDM wouldn’t make the cut. Stop supporting the tasteless equations. We all should support innovation. If it’s something you don’t understand, then there’s something to learn from the situation.

My mind is everywhere; my body is here.

Somewhere in the world, someone is dying. Somewhere in the world, someone just experienced their first breath of life. Somewhere in the world, someone just had their first orgasm. Somewhere in the world, someone just fell in love. Somewhere in the world, someone is heartbroken. Somewhere in the world, someone doesn’t believe they’re beautiful. Somewhere in the world, someone is trying to convince themselves of something. Somewhere in the world, someone has found their voice. Somewhere in the world, someone is living a lie. Somewhere in the world, someone wants to end it all. Somewhere in the world, someone is wondering if they are alone. Somewhere in the world, someone just wants all their dreams to come true. I think the latter is all the above.

sabai dee

it’s strange because it doesn’t feel strange at all. although i couldn’t sleep and didn’t have much of an appetite the preceding days before my arrival, now that i’m back in bangkok, i feel a sense of serenity, excitement, and hunger. i told someone and she said she was jealous.

i hopped on the metro rail link from the airport. there were a few English speaking Thais who were kind enough to try to help me but i knew exactly where i was going. i appreciated this act of kindness because i know that it takes courage to assert yourself in a language that’s not native. i couldn’t help but smile. then, i transferred to the BTS, stood in sweat unbothered, and enjoyed my phone being dead so i could enjoy relying on my instincts for direction and take in my environment. i lugged my 27kg suitcase and backpacks to terminal 21, which is a mall that more than likely houses the BEST thai food court in the world. i went back to the vegetarian stall that i used to frequent and used my eyes to order food that i did indeed forget how to pronounce. i ate it all for the equivalent of $3. fresh vegetables, seasoned perfectly, without the hormones. i told someone and he said he was jealous.

i caught an uber from the mall and it was a seamless experience. i didn’t have to talk, he helped me with my luggage, and he spoke basic english. i even napped in the mazda. a solid 35 minute ride cost me less than $8. i told someone and he said he was jealous.

i arrived at a former student’s house out in the burbs. she’s old enough to be my mom and still calls me “teacher”, even though I haven’t taught her in almost a year. she was at work when my uber arrived. i was greeted by her housekeeper who helped me with my things and had a plate of refreshing watermelon ready for me to devour. i unwound myself and slept for hours, unbothered, to awake to the sounds of tropical birds and roosters. i told someone and she said she was jealous.

so i say all this to say that, it’s damn good to be back in thailand. i know what brought me back but i also, i know that no land is perfect. i can say that i know many people who are discontent and unfulfilled, questioning the motions that they’re going through. why not live like you deserve? why not seek the fulfillment that you’re craving? why not feed your health positively? why not try to create your heaven on earth? it’s more than just geography.

don’t be jealous. just live like you deserve.