i’m fine, thanks. 

who knows how to feel?

who knows how to deal?

who is made to kill?

i just reach higher.

permanent resident in the sky.

another motherfucker cannot

tell me how to be.

mother earth is dying.

there is no denying.

why am i not crying?

the spirit and quantum

makes me see higher 

than than my eyes.

i take things day to day.

pray with every breath.

prepare for a reality 

of this world with nothing left. 

i say this all with love.

are you fine?

i’m fine.

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🙃🙃🙃

Daikanyama T-Site. 

11:54AM. 

Tuesday, June 21. 

I realized that I didn’t have a pen & desperately needed one to write down all the thoughts on my mind. I went to the stationary section. They have some reallly expensive pens, which I did browse & patiently explore. However, I subconsciously found the pens in my much preferred price range which I was very happy to see. 

It’s like when you’re looking at a diner menu. You know diners have some shit for everybody. So you look through the thick ass menu; you just want to find the shit in the $10 range because that’s all you have but you’re still curious so you take your time. 

Anyway, I picked 3 pens – One is yellow. BIC.  Ballpoint black ink, click pen. 150 yen. (I used it to write this) The other two are more of pen markers – Pilot. Teal & black. 100 yen each. 

I wemt to the cashier with my three pens and headphones on. I took them off to tell her that I don’t need a bag. My total was less than 400 yen. I put 1000 yen on the tray. She started looking for something. I noticed but I’m not tripping. She pulled out these laminated signs and started flipping through them. I was wondering why the fuck she was doing all that right then. I had thoughts on my mind to write down and she was lowkey blowing my high. 

She found the sign that is used for English speaking tourists that says that I can get my purchase tax free if I spend 5000+ yen and if I have my passport with with valid tourist visa. 

Of course, I don’t have a tourist visa because I’m not one but if I fucking was WHY THE FUCK, AS SOMEONE WHO JUST BOUGHT THE 3 FUCKING CHEAPEST PENS IN THIS BITCH SPEND 4600+ ADDITIONAL YEN JUST TO GET THIS SHIT “TAX FREE” (8% OFF)? 

I am not insulted at all, mind you.

I’m just like “do YOU care about having/utilizing common sense and critical thinking skills?

LOL. BISH WHET?

Anyway, I got my pens.

 🙃🤗😏

Non-blacks love to say “I like Black people” as if that statement is supposed to get me wet and salivating.

It doesn’t really even make me more comfortable, because now I feel like I have to dissect your admiration and see where it comes from. Is it a fetish? Is it cultural appropriation?

Regardless of the context, generalizing a group of people and the demeanization & commodification of those people is what created this mess and this paranoia in the first fucking place.

In all honesty, I’d rather you not say that kind of shit to me. I’d rather you say to me that you’re a non-discriminatory kind of person and that you believe in equality and you see beauty in all shades.

If you want to say that you think that colored skin is beautiful or that you enjoying studying African American history or the history of African countries, but to just say “I like Black people” makes me uncomfortable and suspicious.

It’s like saying “I like pizza” or “I like traveling.” That’s the kind of thing you like that goes without saying. You just like that shit. for whatever reason but I don’t suddenly feel like you’re a better person because of it.

People say “I like Black people” as if it’s some shit to be rewarded for — like I’m supposed to be impressed or feel connected to them.

However, if someone says “I don’t like Black people”, I find that to be just as controversial. Either way, I would think “WHO TAUGHT YOU THIS? WHERE IS THIS SENTIMENT COMING FROM?”

Oh, but I’m supposed to be so grateful and appreciative that someone can feel confident & revolutionary enough to tell me that they like Black people. I’m supposed to feel like this person is “on my side”. I’m supposed to feel like this person is on that #BlackLivesMatter vibe. I’m supposed to be happy and smile when someone says “I like Black people.” I’m supposed to say “Thank you.” We aren’t supposed to question the implications of these kinds of statements. They want us to just take what we can get.

Not sorry, bro. I’m not blindly fucking with that. That kind of talk doesn’t turn me on. It doesn’t make me feel good. It doesn’t make me feel bad however, it’s just suspcisious.

We have to talk about it. These conversations are necessary. Black people aren’t here for you to “(dis)like”.

22

Writing on leased furniture
Pleasure as a vandal
Just trying to feel differently
Joy inside a scandal
Sleep is less important
Time zones are foreign
Trying to keep from scrolling
Attention span thins
Backlight dims
Just queued up soundcloud
Doing things for new friends
Taking things slowly
Trying to find real homies
Filtered water
Unfiltered thoughts
Electrify the nation
Culture shock

tokyo truth

https://www.gofundme.com/tokyotruth

i constantly find myself unlearning habits that cultivate fear so i can learn how to be more fearless. it can be overwhelming because it happens so often for me. i have such a strong dislike for fear that i find myself often going to extremes just to feel inhibited. often times, the universe puts me in such a position that the only way out is to overcome the fear. that time is now.

i moved overseas to bangkok in 2013. i believe that was my first tangible step of being out of my comfort zone spatially. little did i know at the time, it was a baby step in the grand scheme of it all. there were many more steps ahead on my journey to liberation.

another step has lead me here with this decision.

i realized in december of last year that i was ready to move to japan. interestingly, tokyo has always been the dream city for me when i envisioned myself living abroad. its been that way since i was a teenager. there’s no denying the joy i have felt living in bangkok but i owe it to myself to keep pushing for what i strongly desire and what i can confidently say i deserve. although i know tokyo will have its ups and downs, there is a certain magic there that i want to become engulfed in.

owning my dream and believing in it, despite the naysayers, despite the comfort of my life in bangkok, despite the beautiful people i know here, despite the talented people i can create with here, has been a challenge. yet, its been easier than writing this. writing this has been difficult. posting this will be even more difficult. re-posting this will probably be an easier process. that ease in itself is an achievement for me, regardless of what the results of this campaign are.

honestly though, i need support (flight, startup costs). its been seemingly impossible saving for the cost of living in japan, earning baht, living off of music and creativity… i probably should have started this whole entry with the headline “I NEED SUPPORT” in 72 pt. font, because that the truth. thats what i need. also, i have realized that there are somethings that structurally hold individuals back, such as lack of resources, but much of what we are afraid of is inner.

i was so afraid to make my need public. i wasn’t brought up thinking it was strong to ask for help. being self-made was honorable. sharing your challenges was considered burdensome. i have felt ashamed that i couldn’t financially handle this transition by myself in the time allotted. i felt weak. i felt small. i felt desperate and my desire turned dark. i felt alone and helpless. i still do feel a bit dark, but there is light in stepping out of that space and realizing that i have never been alone at all along my journey.

there has always been someone — someone i can remember, someone i can call, someone i can sing with, someone i can dream with, someone i can laugh with, someone i can eat with, someone i can give love to, someone i can get love from, someone i can meet randomly (and sometimes never see again)…

of course, i would be overwhelmingly overjoyed to reach this goal to comfortably transition. i would think of a way to carefully thank and show my gratitude to every single human being who contributes, for sure.

these funds would be used to propel me forward, not only with the tangible dollars, but with the fact in mind that there are people out there who understand how much these means to me. that energy is momentous. that energy is infectious. that energy is priceless.

https://www.gofundme.com/tokyotruth

kendrick lamar

image
John Klukas Photography — 45houses.com

i still cringe at having to explain why my skin is brown and my passport is american. i don’t want to explain. i know they don’t mean any harm. i know they don’t understand how irrelevant this question is to me & how it feels like a waste of my energy. maybe it’s not a waste of my time, as i might be debunking some myths.

YES. I EXIST.

yet, please don’t give me the ridiculous responsibilty of representing an entire group of people. within this group, there are so many kinds of people, to the point that grouping them all together and making generalizations is an old age practice that was never fitting.
i say, I EXIST and not “WE EXIST” because i can not assume the responsibilty of being the “token black chick”. i somehow don’t have a choice because of society. this pisses me off that certain institutions have made this so. institutions have made it so that certain groups of people are underrepresented and misrepresented. it angers me. yet, i have been told that i should be honored. i have been told that i should be honored to have this opportunity to be here and represent for [black] americans. i am not easily offended, yet, i am repulsed that these misconceptions are present. i am doing what the fuck i want to do. it is insulting to think that what i’m doing is not a thing for [black] americans to do. it is insulting that my lifestyle is questionable.

YES. I EXIST.

i live be free. i live to not have to bear the weight of having to represent an entire group of people. i live to feel comfortable enough to be myself without having to consider if i am perpetuating stereotypes. i live to be myself — nothing else matters.
my nationality is american. thats all that matters on my visa application.
{{fuck your ethnicity ~~ thank you kendrick lamar}}