Written January 2016
My dad didn’t know how to do my hair and he liked to dress me in neutral tones. He also preferred to buy my clothes a size or two too big. He made me learn how to play chess and tennis. He enforced thinking strategically and perfection. He wanted me to skip middle school and go straight to university because I tested on university levels in elementary school.
He wanted me to be the best.
He was usually absent & usually abusive.
I feared him, yet I can’t deny that he cared to push me.
I despised his tactics. I have no use for him now and have made peace with the dynamic of our relationship in my own ways. He has no idea where i am now, or what I’m up to. It’s cool that he had some sort of vision of my intelligence and capabilities. He just didn’t know how to support me or love me & still doesn’t know how. It’s all good. I’m sure he’s somewhere with a passport full of stamps. He named me Asia for a reason.
Listen to “saddad.” (recorded summer 2017)
My freedom song –
All sing along.
Been composing for so long.
My pain & glory,
Our pain & glory.
Been composing for so long.
Our freedom song –
All sing along.
It doesn’t really even make me more comfortable, because now I feel like I have to dissect your admiration and see where it comes from. Is it a fetish? Is it cultural appropriation?
Regardless of the context, generalizing a group of people and the demeanization & commodification of those people is what created this mess and this paranoia in the first fucking place.
In all honesty, I’d rather you not say that kind of shit to me. I’d rather you say to me that you’re a non-discriminatory kind of person and that you believe in equality and you see beauty in all shades.
If you want to say that you think that colored skin is beautiful or that you enjoying studying African American history or the history of African countries, but to just say “I like Black people” makes me uncomfortable and suspicious.
It’s like saying “I like pizza” or “I like traveling.” That’s the kind of thing you like that goes without saying. You just like that shit. for whatever reason but I don’t suddenly feel like you’re a better person because of it.
People say “I like Black people” as if it’s some shit to be rewarded for — like I’m supposed to be impressed or feel connected to them.
However, if someone says “I don’t like Black people”, I find that to be just as controversial. Either way, I would think “WHO TAUGHT YOU THIS? WHERE IS THIS SENTIMENT COMING FROM?”
Oh, but I’m supposed to be so grateful and appreciative that someone can feel confident & revolutionary enough to tell me that they like Black people. I’m supposed to feel like this person is “on my side”. I’m supposed to feel like this person is on that #BlackLivesMatter vibe. I’m supposed to be happy and smile when someone says “I like Black people.” I’m supposed to say “Thank you.” We aren’t supposed to question the implications of these kinds of statements. They want us to just take what we can get.
Not sorry, bro. I’m not blindly fucking with that. That kind of talk doesn’t turn me on. It doesn’t make me feel good. It doesn’t make me feel bad however, it’s just suspcisious.
We have to talk about it. These conversations are necessary. Black people aren’t here for you to “(dis)like”.
I had a dream last night that I was in a church and the choir was singing some song that possessed me. It was beautifully hypnotic. All of a sudden, I see myself walking up to the front of the church and my conscious self is terrified watching this scene lucidly. It was surely a nightmare in action, seeing myself about to profess my desire for “salvation” by a “God” that only communicates with humans through “His Only Son”.
I tried being “Christian”. As much as I love some biblical scriptures and the story of Jesus, I realized that I felt more conflicted trying to identify as being “Christian” as I would HAVE to dismiss qualities about myself and always have to look at myself under a microscope, and allow the religion to eat away at my being like a parasite. Anyway, no offense to anyone who can manage to identify as being Christian or any religion for that matter. I just know that for me trying to be a devout Christian was an internal nightmare.