i don’t want to live in a colorless world. if white people [genetics] can get be glorified, can be the norm, can be the societal standard of beauty, can be the ruler, can be what’s sought after (for centuries), how can i be wrong for wanting the paradigm shift to happen. i am not wrong for believing that my melanin should be appreciated & loved universally, not to shame another race, but to UPLIFT my own. i am not wrong for wanting the truth about the DEEEEEP suffering of people of color to be understood, not to erase the history but to change it. i want for people EVERYWHERE to look back at the timeline and celebrate the magnifigance of people of color because of the beauty that prevailed through the culture, despite centuries of oppression. this is what i have finally been able to admit to myself after years of subtle brainwashing. i have realized that living in a colorless world and eradicating race is synonymous with silencing black excellence.
it’s strange because it doesn’t feel strange at all. although i couldn’t sleep and didn’t have much of an appetite the preceding days before my arrival, now that i’m back in bangkok, i feel a sense of serenity, excitement, and hunger. i told someone and she said she was jealous.
i hopped on the metro rail link from the airport. there were a few English speaking Thais who were kind enough to try to help me but i knew exactly where i was going. i appreciated this act of kindness because i know that it takes courage to assert yourself in a language that’s not native. i couldn’t help but smile. then, i transferred to the BTS, stood in sweat unbothered, and enjoyed my phone being dead so i could enjoy relying on my instincts for direction and take in my environment. i lugged my 27kg suitcase and backpacks to terminal 21, which is a mall that more than likely houses the BEST thai food court in the world. i went back to the vegetarian stall that i used to frequent and used my eyes to order food that i did indeed forget how to pronounce. i ate it all for the equivalent of $3. fresh vegetables, seasoned perfectly, without the hormones. i told someone and he said he was jealous.
i caught an uber from the mall and it was a seamless experience. i didn’t have to talk, he helped me with my luggage, and he spoke basic english. i even napped in the mazda. a solid 35 minute ride cost me less than $8. i told someone and he said he was jealous.
i arrived at a former student’s house out in the burbs. she’s old enough to be my mom and still calls me “teacher”, even though I haven’t taught her in almost a year. she was at work when my uber arrived. i was greeted by her housekeeper who helped me with my things and had a plate of refreshing watermelon ready for me to devour. i unwound myself and slept for hours, unbothered, to awake to the sounds of tropical birds and roosters. i told someone and she said she was jealous.
so i say all this to say that, it’s damn good to be back in thailand. i know what brought me back but i also, i know that no land is perfect. i can say that i know many people who are discontent and unfulfilled, questioning the motions that they’re going through. why not live like you deserve? why not seek the fulfillment that you’re craving? why not feed your health positively? why not try to create your heaven on earth? it’s more than just geography.
don’t be jealous. just live like you deserve.
Los Angeles is extremely unique, I’m supposing. I haven’t travelled to many U.S. cities as an adult but through referencing my experiences in Atlanta and New York, L.A. is a completely different beast. Yet, it’s just like every other place I’ve visited through a plethora of contradicts and paradoxes. Its integrated but yet segregated, progressive but blind, vast and divided, inspiring but depressing, healthy and also, very ill.
Right now, I’m staying with a few cousins in Inglewood. They’ve been super hospitable, fun, and understanding — so grateful for that. Down the street from their house is a diner that served me a bomb ass egg croissant sandwich for $3.50, which reminded my pallet what breakfast food tastes like without lime juice and chilies. The owner is a Cambodian man, who hasn’t seen his hometown since the 80s. He fled after the genocide during the 70s, which the country still hasn’t recovered from. Of course, he’s adapted to his new home. He speaks Spanish fluently. His diner was filled with Hispanic workers playing cards and talking shit. It felt great to show him recent photos I’ve taken of his hometown. It felt great to connect with a migrant who had experienced my native land more recently than I had and vice versa. I drop by sometimes on my walk to the train station. Its a nice walk. The train is pretty reliable and accessible. I’ve seen some wild shit on these trains though — especially the blue line. Kids openly begging for money to get high and getting a positive response, people doing bumps of cocaine, theft, belligerence, people smoking bowls. So, of course, there are some neighborhoods where the train has no route. These are the neighborhoods where the Bruce Willis grabs a smoothie, where tourists are far from plenty, and a ton of restaurants selling tasteless food that’s overpriced. Every now and then, the homeless has roamed their way into these communities, only to be bussed back downtown — the international home for the homeless. These dynamics are interesting to think about but far from surprising. Politics are hardly ever surprising.
Before I arrived, I thought that it was insanely wonderful that my drug of choice could be legally consumed in California — especially since this enjoyment almost landed me in legal trouble in Thailand. Martial law is no joke. Needless to say, I was stoked to get here and smoke weed without the paranoia but that shit is sooooo overrated. I’m being completely honest when I say that I’m not even that glad that it’s been medicinally legalized. For one, the weed sold in dispensaries that’s manufactured by Uncle Sam is fucking scary. That bad boy is way too potent and meant to basically paralyze you. I’d rather not. Also, now that it’s legal theres a culture that’s been created. Uncivil behavior has been normalized. There’s a fine line between social & personal responsibility and I think that the legalization of targets a group of people. It’s a sensitive topic but it’s almost like the crack epidemic in a way. I guess it’s just survival of the fittest though. I’ll just find the weed that was bred in the dirt and not a lab to get my feels.
As I get older and learn myself and gain more understanding about the nature of things, I settle on the idea that these paradoxes and contradicts give our world equilibrium. Although, everything seems to happen in extremes nowadays, it seems to be balanced. As negative energy might seem to be on the rise, positive energy is just a powerful to even out the paradigm shift. I don’t believe in this picturesque utopia of a world without hatred, destruction, corruption, and disease. I just have faith that no matter how sick, twisted, and fucked up this life may appear to be, there’s another energy out there fighting to combat the evils and ills. That’s basic science. Karma is a clever bitch. We work well together.