tokyo drift

rhythmically moving 

so current i’m fluid 

can’t stand in my wave 

can’t stand in my way  

so intergalactic 

i’ll never decay 

those who don’t know me

gon wish i would stay 

i might dip to LA 

so throw me a parade 

Advertisements

sabai dee

it’s strange because it doesn’t feel strange at all. although i couldn’t sleep and didn’t have much of an appetite the preceding days before my arrival, now that i’m back in bangkok, i feel a sense of serenity, excitement, and hunger. i told someone and she said she was jealous.

i hopped on the metro rail link from the airport. there were a few English speaking Thais who were kind enough to try to help me but i knew exactly where i was going. i appreciated this act of kindness because i know that it takes courage to assert yourself in a language that’s not native. i couldn’t help but smile. then, i transferred to the BTS, stood in sweat unbothered, and enjoyed my phone being dead so i could enjoy relying on my instincts for direction and take in my environment. i lugged my 27kg suitcase and backpacks to terminal 21, which is a mall that more than likely houses the BEST thai food court in the world. i went back to the vegetarian stall that i used to frequent and used my eyes to order food that i did indeed forget how to pronounce. i ate it all for the equivalent of $3. fresh vegetables, seasoned perfectly, without the hormones. i told someone and he said he was jealous.

i caught an uber from the mall and it was a seamless experience. i didn’t have to talk, he helped me with my luggage, and he spoke basic english. i even napped in the mazda. a solid 35 minute ride cost me less than $8. i told someone and he said he was jealous.

i arrived at a former student’s house out in the burbs. she’s old enough to be my mom and still calls me “teacher”, even though I haven’t taught her in almost a year. she was at work when my uber arrived. i was greeted by her housekeeper who helped me with my things and had a plate of refreshing watermelon ready for me to devour. i unwound myself and slept for hours, unbothered, to awake to the sounds of tropical birds and roosters. i told someone and she said she was jealous.

so i say all this to say that, it’s damn good to be back in thailand. i know what brought me back but i also, i know that no land is perfect. i can say that i know many people who are discontent and unfulfilled, questioning the motions that they’re going through. why not live like you deserve? why not seek the fulfillment that you’re craving? why not feed your health positively? why not try to create your heaven on earth? it’s more than just geography.

don’t be jealous. just live like you deserve.

mercury rising

all these fucking palm trees
you don’t belong here
cacti are more appropriate
it hurts but I love you anyway
you just want to bask in the sun
you get sick when it rains
can’t come out for days
it’s a blizzard somewhere
you’re spoiled
it’s hard to appreciate beauty
when it doesn’t feel real
make love while you can
bottle caps
night caps
texting in caps
domesticated cabs
dating apps
google maps
nothing here is within reach
especially not
the tops of these fake palm trees
show me how much you love me
before I
leave.

new year rambling

i haven’t been here in a while. i’ve been preoccupied, but always writing, just maybe not always in a place where everyone can see. i’ve been in the states for a little over a week now — first time in 16 months. i miss bangkok but not too much. los angeles will prove to be just as magical, just in a different way. i’m trying not to get too anxious. the american ideals. the rat race. the cost of living. the high racial tension. the judgement. the societal norms that i haven’t acknowledged in over a year. i’m trying to stay true to who i am and just enjoy the ride. i’m trying to adjust myself in a way that is practical and progressive. i want my experiences to count for more than just experiences. in bangkok, i could just be. there wasn’t anything really expected of me. i set my own rules. i was a foreigner. of course, i respected the thai culture but i was free to be me. i think because there was nothing expected of me, that i got lost a bit. my mind was so open. i didn’t uphold the same standards i previously upheld. i wasn’t sure if those standards were even mine or something that i was conditioned to value. traveling opens your mind. you just get lost in your environment. i enjoyed that. now, i’m back in my considered homeland and i’m comparing myself again. i got jealous the other day. i never get jealous. being around people who have businesses, being around people who can afford to pay $20 for an irish coffee, being around people who are more globally connected than I am, being around people who have something tangible to show for their experiences and conquests. i want that.

in thailand, i lived a comfortable life. i had enough to get my nails done every 2 weeks, my hair cut every week, go shopping every friday, support my musical interests, pay my student loans, eat out as often as i pleased, and put away a little bit. i didn’t make enough, however, to travel overseas. i didn’t make enough to really build. i want to build and make investments. i want to create more and not just have my ideas be daydreams and blueprints written in a notebook that get buried as the pages turn.

i want to feel like i’m doing something, not like i did something.

maybe i should stick around in one place for a while. maybe i should find a home to create a garden. in this garden, i plant my seeds. i water these seeds. i provide nutrients for these seeds. i watch them grow. i can then share the fruits of my labor. i can share this garden with others versus sprinkling seeds and letting them sprout but vacating the lot before i can produce a true harvest. i need to be more diligent. i need to produce a solid crop. i need to feel more substantially validated. i’m vain. i’ll admit that. not in the way that i need buy that $20 cocktail. honestly, i’d prefer a med card so i can purchase sativa. i just want to build on my ideas vigorously. i want tangible success. not just a book of experiences and photos. being back in the states has given me that sense of entrepreneurship. i was anti-america for mostly all of my life. the capitalism. the divide. the unjust financial pressure. the brainwashing. after living overseas, i see that every society has those imposed values that some people blindly embrace, while some find their own way and make of their society what they please. brainwashing is everywhere. there is no designated heaven. heaven is wherever you choose it to be. its time to build my heaven and not think that there’s an ideal place to create it.

heaven is a journey, not a destination. i don’t know if i’ll ever be completely satisfied, but honestly i can’t complain. traveling has shown me that. all these goals and desires that i have must be analyzed through different contexts — idealistic and realistic. the reality of it is that my life is beautiful and i’ve done a lot of cool shit. realistically, more cool shit will happen. ideally, i know exactly what i want it to be. realistically, i can only control so much of that. ideally, i think my goals are realistic. haha

i’m going tangent for tangent now. thinking about my relationship views prior to arriving in LA. i was just dating, not too much of a standard. ideally, i know what i like. realistically, i wasn’t going to find that in bangkok. now that i’m in LA, i have to slow down some. in bangkok, i told myself that i was the girl who didn’t want to get married. i convinced myself that was an illogically concept. yet again, american soil is altering my perceptions. i want something serious, in all areas of my life. i want stability. i want to feel connected and rooted. i can do that without expectations. i can do that and deal with the results if they’re not ideal. i just want to put forth more effort in life; exert more energy towards creating a world that reflects my dreams.

yea, thats it. thats heaven. the process of creating a world that reflects my dreams.

almost gone til November

Here’s a place I haven’t been in a while. My mind’s been busy trying to strategize the path I’ll take to get out of Thailand. Thailand is an interesting place. It’s a contradiction just like so many other things and places in this world, but there’s definitely an astonishing amount of beauty to be appreciated here. I just know it’s not a place I could really call “home” for an extended period of time. It’s kind of boring to be quite frank and not really that progressive. Plus I miss seasons, conversations with strangers, diverse cuisines being the norm, and living in a baht currency is cool for Thailand but I can’t really take that money elsewhere. So, I basically want more and I don’t think I’m wrong for seeking it.

I wanted to go through checks and balances with an outsider someone who wouldn’t say anything just to please me and could give me a perspective I might not have considered. I was basically told that there are zero degrees of separation and it’s best to cast your bucket where you are, versus chasing ideals. They think it’s best to work with what you have and that if I go somewhere else it’ll be a new place with the same shit. I dig that but I don’t think this perspective is exactly applicable to my situation. I’m wanting to leave Thailand not because I’m chasing ideals. Yea, I want seasons and whatnot but I was willing to give those things up when I left the U.S. I’m learning more about myself and what I want and now after 1 year+ in Thailand I’ve gained SO much clarity about a heap of things. I want to leave Thailand because I need to feel challenged and can’t settle for the first country overseas that I’ve visited for an extended period of time. I can only compare it to life in the states. I must keep exploring and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone to maximize my lifetime. I’m not expecting my next stop to be “home sweet home” or a paradise, but I’m not just going to stay put and kill time in Thailand.

Sure, life in Thailand is easy. I have a decent job. I’m great at it. It’s not a complete pain in the ass. I have a kickass band but really outside of the band, I have no link to Bangkok – nothing’s keeping me here. No family, no friends, no contract, no love, nothing. My acquaintance argued that if I maintain this perspective then I’ll end up living the gypsy life forever. Haha can’t say I’d have a problem with that. I’m sure I’ll settle down or whatever they call it when it’s my time to though.

I guess for me, progression, exploration, intimacy and self expression are really my only necessities in life. Yea. I’m 24. Desires may change, but truthfully, I can’t live in fear like that. The fear that one day my wants may change. The fear that my next stop won’t be spectacular. The fear of leaving Bangkok because then I would never know the true potential of our band. I can’t live bound like that. Not when it’s not my personal choice. All I know is 2014 Brittany wants more and has a vividly clear vision what she wants for herself which can reflect who I am as a person. Of course, life is unpredictable but it’s a journey to appreciate and one that I won’t take for granted. No expectations on this ride but I’m living to thrive and that can’t be done if I don’t trust myself. It’s a logical decision intertwined with my passion for life.

So, where next? Melbourne.

Fuck off and/or wish me the best. 😛