Non-blacks love to say “I like Black people” as if that statement is supposed to get me wet and salivating.

It doesn’t really even make me more comfortable, because now I feel like I have to dissect your admiration and see where it comes from. Is it a fetish? Is it cultural appropriation?

Regardless of the context, generalizing a group of people and the demeanization & commodification of those people is what created this mess and this paranoia in the first fucking place.

In all honesty, I’d rather you not say that kind of shit to me. I’d rather you say to me that you’re a non-discriminatory kind of person and that you believe in equality and you see beauty in all shades.

If you want to say that you think that colored skin is beautiful or that you enjoying studying African American history or the history of African countries, but to just say “I like Black people” makes me uncomfortable and suspicious.

It’s like saying “I like pizza” or “I like traveling.” That’s the kind of thing you like that goes without saying. You just like that shit. for whatever reason but I don’t suddenly feel like you’re a better person because of it.

People say “I like Black people” as if it’s some shit to be rewarded for — like I’m supposed to be impressed or feel connected to them.

However, if someone says “I don’t like Black people”, I find that to be just as controversial. Either way, I would think “WHO TAUGHT YOU THIS? WHERE IS THIS SENTIMENT COMING FROM?”

Oh, but I’m supposed to be so grateful and appreciative that someone can feel confident & revolutionary enough to tell me that they like Black people. I’m supposed to feel like this person is “on my side”. I’m supposed to feel like this person is on that #BlackLivesMatter vibe. I’m supposed to be happy and smile when someone says “I like Black people.” I’m supposed to say “Thank you.” We aren’t supposed to question the implications of these kinds of statements. They want us to just take what we can get.

Not sorry, bro. I’m not blindly fucking with that. That kind of talk doesn’t turn me on. It doesn’t make me feel good. It doesn’t make me feel bad however, it’s just suspcisious.

We have to talk about it. These conversations are necessary. Black people aren’t here for you to “(dis)like”.

salvation

I love hood politics. I love hood culture and hood theories. I’m so glad that I’m from Atlanta and that my adolescence was so heavily integrated in Rap/Hip-Hop culture which often spoke on concepts that derived from the hood. It taught me a lot. Hip-Hop/Rap can gives us lessons on hood etiquette and hood morale. These lessons often transcend the hood mentality and can really open your mind up to some deep sociological & psychological shit.

I remember when I was able to wrap my brain around the intricacies of the concept of “saving hoes”. I’m still waiting for women to claim this phrase and use it also for their sexual/romantic pursuits with the same level of arrogance that men do.

This idea of “saving hoes” is really some deep intellectual shit. Basically, men have been using this to say that they rescue women who are considerably sexually promiscuous from increasing their body count. Body count meaning the amount of men they have sexual interactions with. “To save a hoe” is when a man says to himself “ok, I’m going to step in and give this woman guidance because she is fucking around because she is lost and I’m going to give her the tender, love, & care (or the best dick she ever had) she needs so she can see herself as a queen”.

It’s really something that people of all genders, sexes, religions, ages, races, nationalities, ethnicities, and cultures do. So many of us think that our love or attention/affection can save someone else. Sometimes it can, but it doesn’t work because the giver wants it to. It works because the receiver has decided within themselves that they want and deserve love. They first must be ready, willing, and able to give love to themselves. They must grow sick and tired of their old habits and be excited about evolving and doing it on their own terms.

Sometimes the “giver” or the one who is presumably doing the “saving” also has a lack of self purpose where they can try to force feed this salvation onto their partner because they feel like they were ordained to do so. They feel like they have something that the other needs. This is also just as unhealthy as the person who allegedly needs “saving” trying to reprogram themselves because someone has entered their life trying to convince them that they should do things differently.

I’ve seen this happen so many times. It’s also something to learn from and shouldn’t be avoided if you’ve never been in it, I think. I think we all need to be in these situations to learn and grow from them. Although, in the midst of it, things can be stressful and painful. Just hopefully, you have the ability to realize that your discomfort is not something you have to accept and live with. Because yes, it will be very uncomfortable looking into the eyes of someone everyday who only finds their identity in you and you in them. That’s exactly what happens when you try to change someone to fill your void and you change for someone else to fill your void. You lose your sense of self.

Everybody is looking for something. I just know for a fact that you can’t find you in another person. You are only you. You can only be you. The moment we try to seek ourselves in other people the universe because a darker, colder place. You block your light and find refuge in someone else’s which also blocks their light.

You know what happens when too many devices take from the same energy source? The source won’t power as fully. The lights may flicker. The power may surge. This happens in humans. Our power can surge as well.

I have homies who are going through this now. They are hurting. They think this hurt will lead to some rewarding state of love in their relationship that is full of euphoria and peace. They are drained and confused, trying to find purpose in life through their relationships. They feel blocked. They revolve their lives and their thoughts around this partnership. They are seeking salvation through this pursuit of happiness in romance.

No judgement. I’ve been head over heels in it. I’ve seen it growing up. I’ve rapped along to stories of it. I’ve cracked jokes about it. I’ve advised friends against it. I’ve guided friends through it.

Growing up, I thought it was just something that happens with chicks who had “daddy issues” and guys that didn’t respect women. I thought those where the ones who were viewed as needed “saving” from bullshit relationships and seemingly worthless patterns. It’s not just something that happens as hood statistics though. We all find ourselves in toxic situations. Whether in love, work, business. We just have to learn how to make self-assured decisions for ourselves if we truly are unhappy in our current situations. We shouldn’t wait for someone else to come along, sing our praises, & make us feel worthy and empowered.

Maybe that’s the yin|yang to life though. Maybe I’m giving humans too much credit. Maybe the lack of self-love that so many of us have gives us purpose in our life journey. Essentially, maybe the desire to love ourselves more is the life force that keeps individuals seeking truth. Maybe that’s why we are all gathered here today by this thing called life.

Just remember when you’re crying over your lover or when you trying to sex the pain away, there’s not enough stroke in the vitamin D or enough power in the P that you’re serving that can save your bae from themselves.

22

Writing on leased furniture
Pleasure as a vandal
Just trying to feel differently
Joy inside a scandal
Sleep is less important
Time zones are foreign
Trying to keep from scrolling
Attention span thins
Backlight dims
Just queued up soundcloud
Doing things for new friends
Taking things slowly
Trying to find real homies
Filtered water
Unfiltered thoughts
Electrify the nation
Culture shock

17:03

People are everywhere.

I have obligations today. I want to do nothing. I was introduced to a cigarette that I like enough to buy. They’re vegan. I’m vegan. The pack is green. There is a smiley face right where my lips embrace the stick. That’s mood for sure. I quite enjoy the way my skin gets just the right kind of cool after I’m done indulging in the toxic joy. It’s an eery solace.

People are everywhere.

I’m listening to Travis Scott at Ebisu station about to meet up with this guy to check out a photography exhibition. I had a photoshoot early afternoon. Some other plans got altered to manage it all. I missed a friend’s live painting to get the shoot done. The shoot was worth it though. I have a Skype lesson tonight. It’s also my friend’s last night in Tokyo before heading back to Bangkok. Another friend has a DJ set tonight. I’ll probably have to go out and be social. I have 2 dates tomorrow. I don’t want to be obligated to be social. I don’t really want to talk. I don’t even want to engage in non-verbal communication.

People are everywhere.

A really good friend of mine stayed with me for 2 weeks. She shared my small Japanese room with me. We talked about this visit in advance and counted down the days like school girls. The days were presumed to be revolved around her and us. I tried to actualize the sentiment the best I could. She left on this past Monday. The visit was surprisingly draining. I love her. I didn’t love her company as much as I wanted to be able too. My flatmates loved her and vice versa. That relieved me. I did my best to give love and be hospitable still. We have different motions and lifestyles. I haven’t really had time to decompress since she left.

People are everywhere.

agnostic

I had a dream last night that I was in a church and the choir was singing some song that possessed me. It was beautifully hypnotic. All of a sudden, I see myself walking up to the front of the church and my conscious self is terrified watching this scene lucidly. It was surely a nightmare in action, seeing myself about to profess my desire for “salvation” by a “God” that only communicates with humans through “His Only Son”.

I tried being “Christian”. As much as I love some biblical scriptures and the story of Jesus, I realized that I felt more conflicted trying to identify as being “Christian” as I would HAVE to dismiss qualities about myself and always have to look at myself under a microscope, and allow the religion to eat away at my being like a parasite. Anyway, no offense to anyone who can manage to identify as being Christian or any religion for that matter. I just know that for me trying to be a devout Christian was an internal nightmare.