01/03/2016

i’m coming from a vulnerable place. i know what i want. i know what’s coming. i’m excelling despite fear and realizing it’s not about being fearless; it’s about being courageous.

i’ve been in tokyo for a little over 72 hours as of now. my initial feels upon that plane landing had me in a trance unable to process emotions or react to the reality of what was happening. i was exhausted. i had put all my energy towards manifesting the move to tokyo, so when it actually happened, plus the fact that tokyo felt like a dream — a simulation, it all felt surreal.

i was still very coherent, very aware, and very observant. i had a profound moment when i arrived to shinjuku and was waiting for my friend to meet me. a group of unsheltered men were congregating outside the station, joking and people watching. i watched as a group of people exited the station with grocery bags. they distributed snacks to the men and poured them hot soup from canteens. the two groups chatted for a while respectfully. i onlooked with my luggage, marked with tags that read “oversized” posted between me and them. in that moment, i was reminded that i am not much different from the unsheltered men.

i also am unsheltered. i move about courageously, usually with my own optimism and merit to guide me. i move about vulnerably, allowing the universe to bless me as it should. there have been times that this vulnerability has made me feel helpless and dependent. more often though, i realize that i am in control. i open my heart & mind and i receive. i also have been amazed by the generousity of others. i have received so much love and support from people in the past few months that i’ve learned to be a bit less withholding and less secluded. i’ve learned that people DO give a fuck. people like that group who shared food with the shinjuku men give a fuck.

i am not sure if the shinjuku men are content with what they are receiving from the universe, or if they are big dreamers, or if they are honing in on their inner chi. yet, i do know that based upon their smiles and constant laughter, they have found some sense of peace & clarity and are doing relatively well on their frequency. they have found a way to navigate life that suits what makes them feel comfortable. the past 5 months have been uplifting and challenging. materialistically, i haven’t had abundance. i have been a starving artist. yet, i always knew what is mine. i knew that my passion would help me sustain. i know now that my imagination is taking me to some very high places. i know that not everyone exercises this power of the mind.

i also know that i have a purpose that might seem paradoxical, overwhelming, arrogant, lofty, or sacrilegious. it doesn’t matter because we all have a choice and emotions to go through and for me, laughter, love, innovation, and abundance are key ingredients. fuck any other recipe that doesn’t have these elements. thats my truth.

and so, here i am now. after 72 hours in my new national residence, i’ve recharged & realized that i’ve done quite well because  i KNOW what is mine. i’m currently on a futon being hosted by a good friend & manifestation is happening. there is no need to panic. i have already sketched what my condo will look like. i have described the scent. i have envisioned my patio garden where i can mediate and indulge in botany. i can touch the fruit bowl overflowing with the fruit of my labor, sculpted by yours truly. i can sense the sounds of my next band. i can see us in our practice space and me with my eyes closed filling the musical arrangements with melodic word and harmonic breaths. i see our created sound filling concert halls and venues all over japan and internationally. i can see collaborations with friends coming to life: festivals, exhibitions, and innovations that we will share with the world. this is real. these are living dreams. this is just an excerpt.

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