i constantly find myself unlearning habits that cultivate fear so i can learn how to be more fearless. it can be overwhelming because it happens so often for me. i have such a strong dislike for fear that i find myself often going to extremes just to feel inhibited. often times, the universe puts me in such a position that the only way out is to overcome the fear. that time is now.
i moved overseas to bangkok in 2013. i believe that was my first tangible step of being out of my comfort zone spatially. little did i know at the time, it was a baby step in the grand scheme of it all. there were many more steps ahead on my journey to liberation.
another step has lead me here with this decision.
i realized in december of last year that i was ready to move to japan. interestingly, tokyo has always been the dream city for me when i envisioned myself living abroad. its been that way since i was a teenager. there’s no denying the joy i have felt living in bangkok but i owe it to myself to keep pushing for what i strongly desire and what i can confidently say i deserve. although i know tokyo will have its ups and downs, there is a certain magic there that i want to become engulfed in.
owning my dream and believing in it, despite the naysayers, despite the comfort of my life in bangkok, despite the beautiful people i know here, despite the talented people i can create with here, has been a challenge. yet, its been easier than writing this. writing this has been difficult. posting this will be even more difficult. re-posting this will probably be an easier process. that ease in itself is an achievement for me, regardless of what the results of this campaign are.
honestly though, i need support (flight, startup costs). its been seemingly impossible saving for the cost of living in japan, earning baht, living off of music and creativity… i probably should have started this whole entry with the headline “I NEED SUPPORT” in 72 pt. font, because that the truth. thats what i need. also, i have realized that there are somethings that structurally hold individuals back, such as lack of resources, but much of what we are afraid of is inner.
i was so afraid to make my need public. i wasn’t brought up thinking it was strong to ask for help. being self-made was honorable. sharing your challenges was considered burdensome. i have felt ashamed that i couldn’t financially handle this transition by myself in the time allotted. i felt weak. i felt small. i felt desperate and my desire turned dark. i felt alone and helpless. i still do feel a bit dark, but there is light in stepping out of that space and realizing that i have never been alone at all along my journey.
there has always been someone — someone i can remember, someone i can call, someone i can sing with, someone i can dream with, someone i can laugh with, someone i can eat with, someone i can give love to, someone i can get love from, someone i can meet randomly (and sometimes never see again)…
of course, i would be overwhelmingly overjoyed to reach this goal to comfortably transition. i would think of a way to carefully thank and show my gratitude to every single human being who contributes, for sure.
these funds would be used to propel me forward, not only with the tangible dollars, but with the fact in mind that there are people out there who understand how much these means to me. that energy is momentous. that energy is infectious. that energy is priceless.