first draft 


I hope you’re well. 

I’m not sure if us not communicating can be considered as closure. we didn’t share a large quantity of time together but we did share what I believed to be quality time. I’m not even sure if I want to share my thoughts with you as I write this sentence. maybe I’ll get more clarity as I finish. I started typing so it must be necessary to purge. my perspective has changed, as have the times. I’m sure we both could continue our lives and not actively reach out to each other and be just fine. yet, I do remember a time when for me, lines were blurred and I felt things that I wasn’t sure if they were okay to express once I left LA. me being time zones away brought about a need to detach and be generic. all good. although, I didn’t exactly like what we became once that happened, I still appreciate who you were when I was with you — the gentleman, the explorer, the intellectual, the einstein, the rager, the hippie, the runner, the artist, the writer, the listener, the asshole, the therapist, the history book, the comedian, a lover. i truly cared about you and admired how you seemingly let me in. it was beautiful to me and that was beyond the sexual intimacy. I just wanted you to know this. I felt to tell you, so I can be okay with myself and not take the passive aggressive prideful route which doesn’t align with who I am and I how view life. I live to be vulnerable and be myself, even when it may or may not suit other people. l’d hope that you knowing how I feel would suit you, but I find peace in knowing that I stayed true to myself throughout the circumstances and no matter the outcome. you’re a unique human with outstanding qualities. 
take care and maybe I’ll see you around. 

defensive vulnerability 

numbness exists for sustainability and growth to thrive. the ability to dive deep without sinking has become an adaptable skill that is used quite frequently nowadays. the need to feel is usually relevant within reason. depths are reached and highs are peaked. at each extreme, the apex & abyss, the absence of air allows for a liberating gravitational effect. floatation is all that happens. everything is meditative. hence the presence of numbness. subconsciousness is bliss. elusive soulmates are here then gone. feelings are remembered through tangible sentiments and photographs. lust escapes as masturbation. interactions relived through daydreams and nightmares. heartbreaks are faint and normalized, therefore seemingly extinct. yet, all is retained despite detachment. filtered through the heart and stored in the mind.