hbd

half an hour left to the day
I fought tears half the day
I’m a quarter century today
with a quarter left on my metro card
timeline posts read “happy birthday”
I lied to everyone today.
I’m not happy at all.
I’ll end this day in peace with myself
I’ll make this day special to me
by embracing my emotions
despite how they may seem
just because I’m crying
doesn’t mean I’m blind
I’m alive but there’s pain inside
I can’t believe I’m fucking 25.

mercury rising

all these fucking palm trees
you don’t belong here
cacti are more appropriate
it hurts but I love you anyway
you just want to bask in the sun
you get sick when it rains
can’t come out for days
it’s a blizzard somewhere
you’re spoiled
it’s hard to appreciate beauty
when it doesn’t feel real
make love while you can
bottle caps
night caps
texting in caps
domesticated cabs
dating apps
google maps
nothing here is within reach
especially not
the tops of these fake palm trees
show me how much you love me
before I
leave.

14/02/14

Valentine’s Day 2014, I was online, on the prowl, which has been a hobby of mine for years; it’s just only been recently that I began storytelling of my online pursuits. Living in Thailand, it was a hobby and a survival tactic. What other options did I have? I was a frequent browser on okcupid.com. I was looking for someone to temporarily fill the void. I was just looking for some external fun. I figured that I had seen all there was to be seen until I got a notification of a recent visitor to my profile whose photo thumbnail seemed to arouse my senses. I clicked the box to enlarge his profile, which I found to be mysteriously scarce but interesting enough for me to spare some energy. We chatted for hours. I was unsure of how attractive I would find him, but we vibed so well and didn’t want to waste anytime. The irony of our connection manifesting on Valentine’s Day. We physically met on the 15th. I remember riding that motorcycle taxi trying to realize his profile photos. I wouldn’t have been able to point him out of the crowd. All I knew was that he was Chinese, around my height, covered in tattoos, and had urban appeal, as well as a hopefully fading drug addiction. He knew I was vegetarian so he was down to go on an adventure to a vegan restaurant in an Ekkamai. I stood on the corner and tried to focus on indifference. I remembered one match question on okcupid “What makes you more nervous: job interviews or a promising first date?” Him and I both chose ‘first date’. I remember what I wore – chucks, jeans, an oversized knitted cardigan, and a white tank. I specifically went out to buy that tank the day of. For some reason, it seemed imperative. I never fucking wear white. Maybe I wanted to accentuate my breasts. I think that tank became gym wear after that night, then sleepwear, then a floor rag, and then trash.

He walked from the Ekkamai sky train exit and spotted me exactly. I saw him from across the street but had no idea that he was my date. He looked so…upbeat and also dressed in a lighter tones. I didn’t reeeeeally look at his face initially. we just said our greetings, made casual convo, and began our trek to find this hidden vegan gem. Later at dinner, I would be forced to stare into the eyes of the fucking hottest man I’ve ever let inside me.

Dinner was fun. We laughed at the faux meat and I learned how much of a true carnivore he was, just open minded. He learned that I was an old school Disney enthusiast and was secretly turned on by my recognition of the restaurants acoustic, instrumental version of Aladdins “A Whole New World.” We later geeked out to the Beauty and the Beast intro song. Bon-fucking-jour. We liked each other.

There was not a doubt in my mind that I wanted to get to know him more after dinner. I waste no time when I’m interested in something. He shared the same outlook. We caught a cab back to his place off Sukhumvit. It was clean, but masculine. I wanted to fuck him but it wasn’t a necessity. My birthday was in a few hours, so I was trying to be as cool as possible, as to not give the engagement too much significance. We got lifted and did everything physically possible but penetrate. He didn’t have any condoms. I definitely couldn’t give the evening THAT much significance.

We explored each other until my birthday arrived and afterwards. I sacrificed my sleep and left straight from his place, home to shower, then off to work. I felt intoxicated the whole day in my excitement knowing what walls would be knocked down later that evening. I couldn’t hide from the significance that my heart wanted to place our interactions. I came over my birthday a few hours after work and he prepared a bomb ass indian meal for me, which made me completely bail on the workplace plans that my coworkers arranged without my consent — Korean BBQ/karaoke. We fucked like rabbits on my 24th birthday to the entire Lana Del Rey “Born to Die” album. How appropriate.

It happened so fast. We got acquainted on Valentine’s Day. We met on Saturday, the 15th. We had sex on my birthday, Sunday the 16th. He deleted his okcupid account on Monday the 17th. We were a couple on Tuesday the 18th. We were having sleepovers that weekend. We broke up randomly in late March after he got distant and said it was because being with me made him feel to use cocaine again. I still don’t know exactly why, but I’ve theorized. Although we had so much in common and everything was seemingly perfect, I knew our relationship wasn’t long term when I entered it, but I agreed to enjoy the ride.

I’m saying this all to say that there’s different levels to love. Some love peaks fast and crashes. Some love builds over time. Some love is fleeting. Some love is elusive. Some love is friendly. Some love is romantic. That doesn’t mean that it wasn’t love if it wasn’t unconditional and eternal.

just enjoy love and live. don’t live in fear of the end result. im not afraid of heartbreak. I’m happy I’ve felt that and learned that lesson so I can enjoy and appreciate the people whom I fall in love with. It’s fun falling in and out of love. It has grown me and I think it makes the love I give more genuine because I’m not seeking any title in return. I’m not seeking a destination. just enjoying the journey and possible one day, I’ll meet a passenger who’ll share the journey with me and we’ll find a destination together.

vomit

why are so many people so obnoxiously socially awkward? it’s quite comical. I’m on the train, trying to get lost in some new reads that a new friend got me as an early birthday gift, while this guy conducts himself like a hoodrat, vomiting nonsensical tunes out of his mouth in hellacious harmonies. good morning to you too, Los Angeles.

I just finished getting a haircut. oh, but not just an ordinary haircut. this one was done on a Sunday at 9am, for $20 by a Mexican migrant, with a strong dislike for his hometown. I woke up this morning at my friend’s house whose company I enjoy, as well as his taste in literature as I hope to learn more once this dude shuts the fuck up. anyway, I’ve only been awake for 2 hours and it’s already been an eventful day.

I’m thankful for that. although things might not ever be ideal, as I’m ambitious as hell, with high expectations for myself because I know that I’m capable of so much more and determined to learn my own strengths; despite that, I can say that my life is an adventure. my 44 days in California have been an adventure. I’m staying on my cousins couch in Inglewood with less than $500 to my name, working 2 part-time jobs with mediocre wages, questioning my safety on public transportation, meeting weirdos and unicorns, and trying to figure out all the detailed steps it takes to get what I desire in life.

hope I’m not being redundant. this topic is pop. hella pop. it gets stuck in my head and I find myself replaying it over and over again. sometimes I don’t even want to listen to it, but somehow it’s universal. it’s one of those things that connects us all as people — no matter your income, your race, your ethnicity, your social status. we all stop for a second to analyze what more we want out of life.

so I’ve learned to appreciate the simple things, the struggles, the weirdos, the unicorns, the shitty jobs, the shitty pay, the awkward times, the obnoxious fuckers on the train, and all the other in between that occupy my time while I’m living and somehow being distracted from my desires, while working towards satisfying them. appreciate them because they are essentially a part of you. it’s a part of your life experience. we move on from these situations and drift on to new ones and possibly have the same analysis and desire to want more or push yourself further. I just advise to never overlook or take anything for granted.

there’s no guarantee that these unicorns, weirdos, challenges, shortcomings, and such will grace your presence again in the same face they presented themselves. why not try to smile in the face of it while you can and use it all as an opportunity for personal growth and reflection.

I’m just trying to make the best out of it, and I’m thankful that my stop is next, so the passenger with the vocal vomit can stay right on the train, possibly never to be heard again.

living in the moment, yet, also looking forward to the future