raw food for thought

I just enjoyed an amazingly satisfying bowl of tomyum (spicy soup made with chilies and coconut milk) and spring rolls. I feel good. I spent my morning at the immigration office doing my 90 day check-in. Blaahh. I spent the afternoon binge watching Masterchef Canada, which is always an enjoyable activity. I know the season is complete but I’m rooting for Eric, the handsome Chinese boy. hehe. Go figure.  My second choice is Marida, a lovely Trindadian. Anywho… Before heading out for soup, I had an hour Lana del Rey jam session. That girl is one of my favorite musicians at the time. Her music makes me a bit emotional but it feels good to feel something so I dance wildly in my condo; sometimes with Mary, sometimes with teary eyes. Now, I’m back in my most enjoyed spot at the moment. I don’t know if that’s sad or peaceful, or peacefully sad. I have better places in my imagination though, of course. I’m realizing how much I love to sing though while having all this alone time. My voice isn’t half bad. I knew I had a little something in the treasure chest. I suppose that’s what gave me the notion to seek out a band to join. All this belting in my condo has my voice tuning up and sounding half good. Haha. I’m actually doing a duet with a young lady here who’s Scottish/Nigerian. She sounds straight like Chaka. We’ve got practice later this evening. The plan is to rack in about an extra $500/month each singing funk, jazz, and soul covers. I never say no to rising dough. Breadddddd. So yea, that’s happening. Again, these are reasons why I say life is good. Seriously. There’s so many things that I’ve done in Thailand within the 9 months I’ve been here. My life has upgraded wonderfully in such a short amount of time. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to leave. Of course, there’s one little thing that’s been troubling me. The uncontrollable loneliness. Ughhh. I wish I didn’t feel it. Trust. I didn’t really feel it until recently. I was too busy with my nose wide opened being in a foreign country but now that I’ve settled in and things aren’t as fresh, I wish I had someone to have fun with more & more. Its that simple. The icing on the cake. Greedy? Maybe. Sometimes I feel bad for wanting a friend when my life is so good. Am I too ambitious for wanting more? I don’t need someone to make me happy. I don’t need someone to give me purpose or any of that emo sadness. Been there, done that. I just desire someone to enhance things a bit and give me a new stimulant. A new positive energy. Life will be what its gonna be. A friend through this would be greatly appreciated. I think about my ex at times like these and how we could’ve been best friends if we would’ve been patient to see that we made better friends than lovers. I get that now. I don’t even need a lover. I wouldn’t turn down love if came my way though. I’m grateful for whatever true friendship happens to blossom in the near future.

Yuck. That was a lot of emotion. Glad I got that off. Eww. Time to return to Mary and Masterchef. I find joy in the simple things.

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It is Monday, 11:16AM.

I woke up in a bit of a melancholy mood today. Borderline sad, I’d say. In this moment, I feel lonely. I enjoy being alone and I wish that I had a person of choice to spend time with also. I used to be hellbent on being 1000% satisfied with being alone. I thought desiring company of other people made me weak, like I was trying to fill a void. What I’ve realized is that settling for the company of anyone, especially of those whose energy is detrimental to yours, equates to wanting to fill a void. I’m simply hoping for company whose energy complements mine. I deleted my online profile, so now I have to find other avenues to meet like-minded people. I tried this over the weekend. Usually what happens is, I go out, doing my own thing. No expectations but in a friendly mood. Drunk guys approach me, usually incoherent either because their accents are too thick and they don’t annunciate their words, or because the alcohol has diminished their speech to gibberish. Gibberish in the sense that its incomprehensible and/or its a bunch of nothing; therefore, I have no desire to process any of the fluff that comes out of their mouth. Anywho… Then, one will be bold enough to sit with me. He’ll ask where I’m from. I’ll answer. He’ll ramble about himself. None of which I’ll catch. He’ll light up a square, blowing cigarette smoke every which way. I’ll cordially express my discomfort and plan an escape route in my mind before he can ask me how long I’ve been in Bangkok. Second stop. Here, I’ll be greeted by live music and older men, who can carry a conversation but also haven’t been given much attention by any PYTs in decades or more, so their breathing is accelerated. I’ll take the pros with the cons at this point of the evening, at least I can have an almost meaningful conversation. I’ll notice eyes on me from everywhere. I’m the black sheep. Haa. At this point, the older men are shielding me from nonsensical men, so I’ll enjoy their company in the moment until one gets too pushy and begins to sell himself to me, as if I’m interested in his stock. Then, I will express my disinterest and give him a while to attempt to adjust himself, which he will neglect to do. I’ll excuse myself to the restroom, return and sit in the seat at their table closest the exit, and politely introduce the group to the fact that I have to head out. Collect business cards that will probably later become gum wrappers, shakes hands, walks away, flags taxi, eats indian food. The end.

Nights like these are why I only voluntarily partake in the nightlife when our band has a show. I don’t think there’s an alcohol or a strain of marijuana that could shield me from above depicted annoyance. But its all good. That’s the most of my problems at this point. Thou shall be optimistic. My kind of people are out here somewhere…

sweet & sour sauce

I’ve taken in a lot lately without any written reflection. Life’s certainly not shy of being eventful. I bought a wig for the thrill. It’ll come in handy when I visit home for the holidays + its fun to wear to our shows and snatch off unexpectedly — especially when there are people there who haven’t seen our band before; they actually think its from my scalp. Getting jiggy with my Asian bob. I blend right in. Ha. But in other news… I had an online dating profile for a while. It was like Russian Roulette style dating. I had a date everyday. Sometimes two in one. None of which I was expecting a relationship out of or anything more than a possible friendship. 2 out of I can’t remember how many I still communicate with and in addition to those 2 gentlemen, I had a boyfriend for a while. Chinese Canadian. Must be something about the urban community in Toronto though because he was a bit hood, but poised of course. I called him “A$VP Lo Mein”. Haa. Met him on Valentine’s Day, coincidentally. He granted my simple birthday wishes — good company and indian food — and then some. He was beautiful, physically. I think my grandmother’s strong desire for Asian great-grandchildren has incited this strong attraction to Asian men. Lawdamercyyy. They do have beautiful bone structure though. haha. Anywho, things ended before I could really bear witness to his other layers of beauty. In his words, “things are perfect; we agree on everything; we’re so much alike.” True. We even had the same quirky ass clusterphobia (google it), same music tastes, same temperament, same interests. We truly clicked from day one. I’ll admit. Although there was a strong attraction, the fire wasn’t scorching hot but I’ve been burned before so I’d rather things be cool. I suppose maybe some people prefer intensity, the roller-coaster, the break up to make ups, and the extremes. It didn’t exactly make sense to me. I’ve been hesitant to mention that this was his first meaningful adult relationship. He had experimented with drugs for years which became an addiction that he ended last September. I was bothered because I knew there was more to the “we’re too alike” story. I think his past addiction has altered him in a way that he didn’t feel comfortable discussing with me so he felt it’d be best to distant himself. He once told me that he was having to process feelings that he never processed sober and that his dopamine kick was beginning to be supplied by me. Needless to say, I spent some time processing the relationship and the break up to provide myself with some sort of clarity. Wasn’t the easiest thing to do. Plus, I’ve never been broken up with. Haha first time for everything nowadays. I’ll humbly conclude that my awesomeness scared him away. I’m such a lady that he didn’t even know what to do with my kind. hehe. Not gonna front. I miss the bonding and cuddling, for sure, but with every loss there’s a gain. I’m just surprised that 2 people from 2 different ethnicities could meet in a foreign country via the internet and have so many similarities. I was content on being single for much longer than that, so I’m happy that I met someone dateable. Not dateable in the “Oh, I’m in a foreign country so I must lower my standards because options are limited” way. I would’ve dated him anywhere. Things always get better with time so if that ordeal was a prequel of the possibilities then I’ll certainly be pleased, in some respects. No expectations though. I can peacefully continue to enjoy waking up to a wiser version of myself everyday. Solo or not. Life is good.