raw food for thought

I just enjoyed an amazingly satisfying bowl of tomyum (spicy soup made with chilies and coconut milk) and spring rolls. I feel good. I spent my morning at the immigration office doing my 90 day check-in. Blaahh. I spent the afternoon binge watching Masterchef Canada, which is always an enjoyable activity. I know the season is complete but I’m rooting for Eric, the handsome Chinese boy. hehe. Go figure.  My second choice is Marida, a lovely Trindadian. Anywho… Before heading out for soup, I had an hour Lana del Rey jam session. That girl is one of my favorite musicians at the time. Her music makes me a bit emotional but it feels good to feel something so I dance wildly in my condo; sometimes with Mary, sometimes with teary eyes. Now, I’m back in my most enjoyed spot at the moment. I don’t know if that’s sad or peaceful, or peacefully sad. I have better places in my imagination though, of course. I’m realizing how much I love to sing though while having all this alone time. My voice isn’t half bad. I knew I had a little something in the treasure chest. I suppose that’s what gave me the notion to seek out a band to join. All this belting in my condo has my voice tuning up and sounding half good. Haha. I’m actually doing a duet with a young lady here who’s Scottish/Nigerian. She sounds straight like Chaka. We’ve got practice later this evening. The plan is to rack in about an extra $500/month each singing funk, jazz, and soul covers. I never say no to rising dough. Breadddddd. So yea, that’s happening. Again, these are reasons why I say life is good. Seriously. There’s so many things that I’ve done in Thailand within the 9 months I’ve been here. My life has upgraded wonderfully in such a short amount of time. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to leave. Of course, there’s one little thing that’s been troubling me. The uncontrollable loneliness. Ughhh. I wish I didn’t feel it. Trust. I didn’t really feel it until recently. I was too busy with my nose wide opened being in a foreign country but now that I’ve settled in and things aren’t as fresh, I wish I had someone to have fun with more & more. Its that simple. The icing on the cake. Greedy? Maybe. Sometimes I feel bad for wanting a friend when my life is so good. Am I too ambitious for wanting more? I don’t need someone to make me happy. I don’t need someone to give me purpose or any of that emo sadness. Been there, done that. I just desire someone to enhance things a bit and give me a new stimulant. A new positive energy. Life will be what its gonna be. A friend through this would be greatly appreciated. I think about my ex at times like these and how we could’ve been best friends if we would’ve been patient to see that we made better friends than lovers. I get that now. I don’t even need a lover. I wouldn’t turn down love if came my way though. I’m grateful for whatever true friendship happens to blossom in the near future.

Yuck. That was a lot of emotion. Glad I got that off. Eww. Time to return to Mary and Masterchef. I find joy in the simple things.


It is Monday, 11:16AM.

I woke up in a bit of a melancholy mood today. Borderline sad, I’d say. In this moment, I feel lonely. I enjoy being alone and I wish that I had a person of choice to spend time with also. I used to be hellbent on being 1000% satisfied with being alone. I thought desiring company of other people made me weak, like I was trying to fill a void. What I’ve realized is that settling for the company of anyone, especially of those whose energy is detrimental to yours, equates to wanting to fill a void. I’m simply hoping for company whose energy complements mine. I deleted my online profile, so now I have to find other avenues to meet like-minded people. I tried this over the weekend. Usually what happens is, I go out, doing my own thing. No expectations but in a friendly mood. Drunk guys approach me, usually incoherent either because their accents are too thick and they don’t annunciate their words, or because the alcohol has diminished their speech to gibberish. Gibberish in the sense that its incomprehensible and/or its a bunch of nothing; therefore, I have no desire to process any of the fluff that comes out of their mouth. Anywho… Then, one will be bold enough to sit with me. He’ll ask where I’m from. I’ll answer. He’ll ramble about himself. None of which I’ll catch. He’ll light up a square, blowing cigarette smoke every which way. I’ll cordially express my discomfort and plan an escape route in my mind before he can ask me how long I’ve been in Bangkok. Second stop. Here, I’ll be greeted by live music and older men, who can carry a conversation but also haven’t been given much attention by any PYTs in decades or more, so their breathing is accelerated. I’ll take the pros with the cons at this point of the evening, at least I can have an almost meaningful conversation. I’ll notice eyes on me from everywhere. I’m the black sheep. Haa. At this point, the older men are shielding me from nonsensical men, so I’ll enjoy their company in the moment until one gets too pushy and begins to sell himself to me, as if I’m interested in his stock. Then, I will express my disinterest and give him a while to attempt to adjust himself, which he will neglect to do. I’ll excuse myself to the restroom, return and sit in the seat at their table closest the exit, and politely introduce the group to the fact that I have to head out. Collect business cards that will probably later become gum wrappers, shakes hands, walks away, flags taxi, eats indian food. The end.

Nights like these are why I only voluntarily partake in the nightlife when our band has a show. I don’t think there’s an alcohol or a strain of marijuana that could shield me from above depicted annoyance. But its all good. That’s the most of my problems at this point. Thou shall be optimistic. My kind of people are out here somewhere…

in the beginning, there was hair…

dtt1 dtt2 dtt3

…and then, there was none. Haaa 🙂