blkkk skkkn head

Oh yea. I forget to mention in my previous post, that I’m damn near bald & loving it — another thing that I definitely didn’t project happening. I actually prefer life with the least amount of hair as possible. Who would’ve thought I’d go from having a head full of locks, to getting them unraveled (also an unthinkable task), then cutting it super low, just to have it shaved a few months later? Not to mention, I feel more feminine and womanly than I’ve ever felt in my life. oooohhhllaaaaallaaaa =)

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178 days

Its been about 6 months since I’ve moved to Thailand. I think its imperative to reflect on all the pleasant surprises I’ve had so far. For and foremost, I’m living single & its soooo peaceful. Anyone whose been in my life while I was in my last relationship knows how hard I’ve fought to keep hope alive with my last lover. I crossed many state borders chasing a dream with him. I ignored my own pain to console him. Whether he knows or not, I was willing to sacrifice so much of who I am for him, or I was at least willing to try to. I still love and care about him very much but not at the expense of myself. Things are in a different perspective now. So, here I am almost a year later, enjoying me and my solitude. Maybe I’m a narcissist, but I enjoy my company more than anyone else’s. I can’t imagine sacrificing the awesomeness of who I am with all my perfect imperfections for someone else. The first few months here were tough. I was in limbo with myself and the future of the relationship. I suppose my love was blind to the fact that our romance was no longer probable. I thought that love could conquer all. Distance. Pain. Insecurities. Our love was lacking faith. No matter how hard I tried to mask that fact, the truth prevailed in the end. I’m at peace though. It didn’t take long for me to adjust — not in the sense of adjustment, like finding someone to fill the void. I simply filled it myself. I love myself more than he, or anyone else ever could.

And yess. I’m seriously an English teacher. They have to ask me to be excused for the toilet. No one woman should have all that power. In the beginning, I felt this was just a job to utilize so I can travel. It was something relatively easy that I could make into a career if I ever got old and my dreams got deferred. Now, I’m getting in to it. Of course, some of my students irritate me because they’re lazy, disengaged, and just want to play candy crush. They will say “take a photo with me, Teacher Bee” after class to post to their IG & FB accounts though. smh. On the other hand, I have some students who really appreciate the effort I put into teaching them. I just have to realize that they’re who I’m here for.

I’m really a vocalist/song writer in a band… borderline rockstar. That shhh crayyy. Everything is surreal, but this one gets more surreal after every gig. The momentum and support get turned up a notch and I’m like “WTF. We have fans? People are spending money to see us?” Well, I wouldn’t say they’re directly paying money to see US, but they know we’re performing sooo indirectly they are paying money to see us. Hahaha. We went through a dry spell last month. I was getting a bit bored and unsure of where we were headed. Now, we’re getting to understand more about how the creative process works between all of us. Things are coming about organically like they were when we first started and its fun again. We’re getting requested for more gigs, developing more of a sound, and I absolutely love to perform songs that I’ve written. Plus, I get to channel another persona. Its dope.

This one is random — I’ve created an online dating profile. This one actually surprises me the most actually. Although I’m outgoing and spontaneous, I’m not into social media in the slightest. If a few of my close friends from back home weren’t into it, I probably would’ve never thought to join. I can say that online dating has been an interesting experience. I shouldn’t say “dating” though. Its just a tool to meet people in the area. Male or female. I’m not really looking for anything, but I’m not hiding from anything either. Originally I was being racist. Haha. I was using it to search for other brown skinned people. Particularly African Americans. The few that I met up with were wackklesauce. Despite the country of origin and skin complexion, we had hardly anything in common. I’ve met people of different ethnicites who I have more in common with than people of my own race. I’ve realized that culture isn’t confined to race. They’re completely separate. My grandma’s all giddy of course, because she’s high on the possibility of having mixed Asian great-grandchildren. Chill, Grams 🙂

I’ll be 24 next month and I’ll probably fulfill a dream of mine by spending my birthday on a beach or waterfall somewhere. Life is good.

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i practice in the mirror, just in case you come around.

i must be ready.

you’ve seen me naked.

i’ll be sure of myself.

i think differently now.

i would’ve mastered all the angles you could flip me.

i would be prepared to combat the bodily fluids.

the sweat.

the tears.

the arousal.

i feel differently now.

i’m practicing how to say no to you, if you ever come around again.