happy christmahanukwanzaa

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All pictures above were taken from the back of a motorcycle. And no, I don’t have Obamacare.

DSCN0359I don’t celebrate Christmas. I don’t believe in the proclaimed holiday. Jesus wasn’t born on December 25th and his birth should be celebrated everyday by giving love to one another — not consumer products. I think the guy on stilts thinks Christmas is a joke too. Ha. Anywho, I had a mighty fine “December 25th” (in EST and Thai time). I had the kind of day where I was awoken by positivity. It was a day filled with blessings and surprises. My uncle who I’ve been iffy about reached out to me and was the farthest thing from being cold. His words delivered a strong sense of family, love, and warmth. I talked to my grandma for hours. Although that’s a ritual, its still a blessing. Then, I talked to 2 of my siblings. Strangely, it was the closest I ever felt to them even though they’re thousands of miles away. I went to the city. Normally, I just get stared at by Thais. O_O This mute staring slightly disturbs me because I’ll smile back and they just look at me unchanged. I won’t know what to think. Yesterday, I had a few of them tell me why they were staring. “Very beautiful” That was certainly comforting. On the way back home, an older Thai guy sat next to me on the bus. He was staring at me also. I was eating baby oranges so I grabbed two and gestured to offer him one. He shook his head and said “No, thank you.” Haha. Then we start conversing and I had an environmental discussion with him about global warming. (It snowed in Saudi, Egypt, and Vietnam). Then I get home and have the pleasure of speaking to people who’ve meant a lot to me over the years. People who’ve I distanced myself from whilst going through my various transitions and whatnot. People who I love very much. It was nice to pick up where we left off. It was another pleasant surprise.

I remember this time last year, I was preparing to move to NY. I was sure that was the next aligned step for me. I was determined to make a certain dream manifest in my dream city. I still think about that dream and that dream city. Is it a dream that I should keep simply as a memory or as an attainable goal that will resurface once the time is right? Either way, dreams do comes true. Just not exactly how we plan them…but better than we ever could.

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i wonder…

if you’re reading this from the incognito window.

if you’re even reading this at all.

if you’re wondering why I haven’t explicitly written about you until now.

how it feels to have a broken heart as a man.

if you’re afraid.

what song you’re listening to right now and if it reminds you of me.

if you’re smiling and laughing as often as you should.

if you have unsent emails for me to possibly read in your draft box.

how you’re making your money nowadays.

if you still read the WOF daily devotionals everyday because i do.

will love find me in the form of you, again.

when.

dancing with the devil

I was about that life. I did it for 3 years — one of the many reasons why I believe in God. The devil was the destructive relationship I was foolishly too stubborn to end with my high school boyfriend. No need for all the personal details. I can solemnly swear that girl who was too ignorant to call it quits is not the same girl who sits in front of this computer. That girl is somewhere working retail, living on the eastside of Atlanta with 3 kids (all barely 1 year apart in age) and a baby daddy whose current life aspirations are simply to have sex several times a day, own several pairs of versace shades, hook up with strippers from instagram, and have enough spare cash to buy a quarter ounce of weed everyday. That was my future. Once upon a time ago, I was begging God for that life sentence. That’s how I was living life — like I was worthless. I was literally snatched up from that fate. I was saved. I remember just waking up one day and starting over. I did a total 180 but I did it in a way that no one could even fathom my past life. My past life is my best kept secret. Not that I’m hiding it, but my metamorphosis has happened in a way that my reckless past isn’t that apparent. It wasn’t until today that it truly sunk in how stupidly I was playing with fire.

I’ve been known to say that I don’t have regrets. True. I believe that experience is the wisest teacher. Hmmm… I was about to say that I regret the 3 years that I lost fooling around with that guy. I won’t say that though. I’ve witnessed a darkness that hopefully will be unknown to my cousins, siblings, and my future children. I guess I can be somebody else’s “Jesus”.

stepping stones

I don’t know why this happens to me but it does so frequently and I guess I have to accept it. I get bored so quickly. Since elementary school. Whether its school, a hobby, a place, a relationship. I just move at this pace that naturally causes me to outgrow things. My grandma insists that its because I’m an Aquarius and I’m a visionary who’s ahead of my time. Flattering but frustrating. It only took me about 2 months of being in Bangkok for me to start doing research on where to move after Thailand. Even now, with the band. which is pretty cool actually. I’m in a band in Thailand. I didn’t exactly forecast this. Its fun, but we’re a “heavy rock band” (whatever that means) and after 3 live shows in 1 week, I’m already getting bored with it. We had our first practice the other day since performing live, so we tried to come up with a few new songs & change up our set list a bit. All of our stuff is starting to sound the same to me. I want us to be more than just a heavy rock band but we’ve kind of prescribed a certain aesthetic. I don’t expect them to just start playing synths or something like that. Haha. Of course, no band looks like us. No band sounds like us. Plus, I love my lyrics. The 9 songs we’ve composed together are dope, but I want to try other “genres”. Plus the rendition of singing aka yelling that I have to do to be heard is a bit taxing on my vocal chords. I just want to slow it down a bit. I like so many styles of music and I’m beginning to think that maybe I’m already ready for another musical experiment. Maybe funk, electronic, jazz, alternative rock. Whatever all that means. I just don’t want to be bound by labels. I’ve met a few people at our shows, who really like what I do and even asked for an a cappella performance so they could heard the lyrics. They were impressed. I’m going to stay on my grind of course and see where this takes me…

Everything leads to something. Obviously.