the last supper

the last supper

Tonight was my final class with my Level 6 students. They worked so hard throughout the term, so I decided to use the last hour to have a little fiesta. I ate from this delicious array of Thai cuisine over 2 hours ago and I’m STILL stuffed. They wouldn’t let me contribute financially, let alone even throw away my own trash. I don’t want to pick favorites amongst my classes, but I definitely looked forward to teaching them the most during the week. They even bought me a gift 🙂

Awww shucks… I’m officially a teacher.

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its a small world, after all.

I went out last night. It was an interesting night. I needed to get out after 5 hours of teaching consecutively. By the way, I enjoy my time in the classroom, but lesson planning has officially been dubbed one of my least favorite things to do. Anyway, I do enjoy staying home. All I need is some cashews, bottled water, and internet and I’m moderately satisfied to some extent. I’ve noticed that I have this slight nerve twitch going on in my left eye, which my neighbor gets from time to time. He said its from too much computer time. go figure. So last night, I was definitely trying to give my eyes a well deserved break.

I met some co-workers at an American pub in town. Cool little diner that serves deliciously fattening American food. Cheeseburgers, melts, dogs, wings — classic American bar food. My band (can’t believe I’m saying this) will be playing there soon, which I’m very pleased to announce. It’s still very much an announcement to myself. Networking with the owner is always helpful. Plus the synergy within our band is amazing, so we’re bound to play live. We’ve only had rehearsal 3x and we already have 5 original songs and 4 covers that we could perform flawlessly.

Anyway, it was “open mic” night at this pub, which is properly named, Fatty’s. Open mic aka karaoke. Abena, the young lady, who has been in a few pictures, was also in attendance. She is now the dancing and karaoke queen. That woman is unstoppable. She’s 32 and can stay out longer than anyone I’ve ever met. She’ll be on the dance floor until the lights come on. I was out with her until 3am last night. That was a stretch for me, especially since I only left the house to give my eye a break from the computer. Ha.

After Fatty’s we went to this bar that had a huge flatscreen playing old VH1 classic music videos. Abena was in heaven. I was trying to find a 2nd wind, but just as I embraced the fact that I was tapped out, the nightly monsoon struck. I laughed at myself for not being able to discern earlier that it was time to bounce.

As I was walking back to the seat that my arse was familiar with, the guy who I had noticed creeping at me from the corner of the room stops me and insists that I sit next to him. Had I been back home and this happened, I would have politely declined, already knowing his type and his motive. Since moving to a foreign country, my guard isn’t up that high anymore. I sit down and run through the typical convo between non-Thai people. “Where are you from? How long have you been in Thailand? What do you do? How long are you planning on staying here? blahh, blahh, blahh…”

The synopsis : He’s an architect from South Africa with an Indian heritage. He told me that he thought my hair was sexy; asked if I was Eddie Murphy’s sister; asked if I spoke “Africanus” after I said I was from America; said I shouldn’t go home but go to his place because its closer; I tried to discuss something more substantial like his architecture & he said he designs water fountains; continued to lust after my hair; rambled on about how a girl at that bar wanted to go home with him but he thought she was fat and ugly; kept trying to give me high fives after I told him he was being ridiculous; continuously repeated how cool I am, even after I reminded him that he does not know me…at all, which he then proclaimed that his master’s degree in psychology entitled him to know certain details about me —  Thank Goodness I had a window seat, so I could spot an opportunity and any cabs approaching. He felt he had earned grounds to establish a friendship. HA! With all due respect, he was lucky to have even gotten my attention. I laughed the cab ride home…and woke up laughing today.

Go with your gut. Clowns are everywhere.

?

so many times

so many times

so many times

i ran, and ran, and ran.

then, i learned to run faster.

i outdid myself.

then, i looked at who i became —

amazed by my pace and ability.

then, i turned around

and saw… nothing.

then, i decided that maybe —

just maybe —

i should walk,

so i wouldn’t feel so alone.

then, i saw a tree —

an all-knowing tree —

that i could climb.

then, i thought this tree could

help me find… something.

this tree was so high that the ground below

was blind to the reality of its apex.

then, i realized i was afraid of heights.

and got stuck, looking for and waiting on… something.

finding emo.

“Generally speaking”, I am a detached person. Not because I find people dispensable, although I’m sure there might be a few people who would like to say so. Its because I find little significance in the majority of my interactions with people. Most people are quite comfortable with “small talk”, while I find it rather boring and remedial. When I ask someone “How are you?”, I literally mean those words. I genuinely want to know. I don’t like masks. I don’t like pretending. Some people might say I’m intense. I’m not saying that every conversation needs to me philosophical and deep. I just want to live in a world where its okay to be angry every once in a while, or be sad, disappointed, or lonely & openly express those feelings respectfully. I find living a segmented life to be quite draining. I believe that all humans would agree that emotions are generally universal. Details always vary but we tend to all feel the same things. Of course, I’m not suggesting that anyone have a pissy attitude or project frustration onto other people. I just believe in a buddy system. I know how it feels to be overwhelmed but unable to vent to anyone because they’re too caught up in the matrix to keep it 100%. They’ll just go on telling each other what they think people want to hear.

My dream world:

Random neighbor at corner store: “Hey miss. How are you doing today?”

miss: “Eh. Feeling kinda funky today. I’ve been longing for love lately and it’s got me feeling a little down. I’m trying to stay focused though.”

neighbor: “Oh, I know how you feel. Life doesn’t always make sense to your heart, huh? It’s okay to feel down though. Just know its only temporary so stay focused on what makes sense. And if your so-called friends think getting drunk at the club is the solution tell them to get real.”

miss: “Haha. Yes, getting drunk at the club only perpetuates the void I’m feeling. Good thing we don’t live in a world where you can’t touch on your innermost feelings without being labeled as abnormal, right?”

*end dramatized scene*

And no, I’m not a pessimist & I don’t suffer from depression. As a matter a fact, it pains me even more that so many people think its healthy to not feel anything. Of course, suicidal thoughts are very unpleasant, but can you blame someone for preferring to be somewhere in the fantasized after life than hear on Earth. Its really not that irrational. I’m ambitious so I would never take it to that extreme but I can empathize with the emotion.

And yes, the power of the mind is very real. I support that philosophy completely. A positive outlook is powerful but a positive outlook can’t exist without the presence of a “not so positive” one, so cut the crap World. Let’s be real, please. A huge piece of me would feel liberated if we could just cut the fat and be ourselves. For Christ’s sake, isn’t that what growth is all about anyway?

(or maybe they are being themselves….)